Never Fly United Again

I will never fly United Airlines again!

There are only so many times you can give a company "another chance." United Airlines has finally pushed me too far and I simply will no longer patronize them. In this case, it's strike three.

Strike one was about a year ago. I bought a round-trip ticket from Washington Dulles to Milwaukee and back. Like most United flights, there was a connection at Chicago O'Hare.

As the plane was being pushed away from the gate at the start of the trip, something snapped. It turns out it had to do with the way they attached the tractor to the front wheel. It had to be fixed. So the plane sat on the ground for the better part of two hours while they repaired it. Of course there was no way I was going to make the connection. I had no idea the ramifications this was going to cause.

The plane arrived in Chicago over two hours late. I went to the gate where my connection had left a hour earlier to try and find out what my options were. The airport was as packed as I have ever seen it and the line at the gate was at least 20 people deep. When I got to the front, I was told I could be put on standby for the next flight, which didn't leave for another 45 minutes. There were about 10 people on standby in front of me, so I knew there wasn't much chance of getting on the flight, but it was the last one of the day. I decided to wait. About 30 minutes later, they simply canceled the flight. No explanation, but I overheard a flight crew near the gate talking about having no clue what route they were there to fly. Amazing. I suspect the flight was canceled because they didn't have anyone to fly the plane!

So I rented a car and drove to Milwaukee. This was going to be expensive because I planned to leave the car in Milwaukee instead of driving it back to Chicago. But thanks to United, I didn't have much choice. Fortunately Avis had a car available, but I did stand in line there another 45 minutes.

But that wasn't the end of it. When it was time to return to Washington Dulles, I arrived at the airport around eight in the morning. At the ticket counter I was told I no longer had a reservation or ticket! What? It seems the United computer decided that since my flight from Chicago to Milwaukee had been canceled, I never got there. Therefore I wouldn't need the return flight! Instead the computer canceled me and had been rescheduling me from Chicago to Milwaukee ever couple of hours for the past few days! It expected me to sit at O'Hare for a day or two rather than complete the final 90 miles of my trip by some other means. This is absolute lunacy!

The earliest I could get on a return flight was at 5:00 a.m. the following morning, and they had to book me on a different airline. This time I got to connect through St. Louis, and was almost bumped off the St. Louis-to-Dulles portion!

Strike two was on a recent trip from Chicago to Dulles. I didn't ever bother with the Milwaukee connection this time. My flight was the last one of the day for this route, and after telling everyone the flight was delayed, two hours later they abruptly canceled it. Again, no explanation. The only suggestion was to go get in line at the United customer service desk to try and get another flight. So again, I stood in line for an hour, only to find out that the computer had rescheduled me for a flight the following afternoon through Philadelphia with a three-hour layover. Who the hell programs these things?

I ended up staying the night in Chicago - with no luggage, toothbrush or change of clothes. United's recommendation was to come back to the airport in the morning and move from gate to gate to try and get onto one of the day's O'Hare to Dulles flights. The best they could guarantee me was a late-afternoon flight. I was told if I take the "sure thing" I couldn't expect to get on an earlier flight because I would have to give up my ticked to switch to standby status. Again, who makes up these rules?

At one point I asked an agent why the previous night's flight was canceled. She looked it up and told me it was a mechanical problem. She then immediately offered me a $100 voucher for a future flight. What kills me is that if I hadn't asked this question, there would not have been any offer of compensation whatsoever, except for the hotel room. What a crappy system! My luggage had gone to Washington on an earlier flight, but fortunately it was there when I finally arrived the following afternoon.

Strike three was this past weekend. My son and daughter came from Milwaukee to spend Christmas with me. First of all, their flight out of Milwaukee to Chicago was delayed to the point where they would miss their connection. So the agent suggested they take the shuttle bus between the two airports. They got on after an hour wait in the rain. It cost $50. The agent did say we could get a refund, but that remains to be seen. The flight out of Chicago was delayed as well, and it's even possible they could have made it if they took the delayed Milwaukee flight. But how would we have known? It wasn't worth the risk.

Fearing that their return flight would be canceled because that brilliant United computer might have thought they never got to Washington since they never got on the flight in Milwaukee, I called to confirm the return. I made the agent on the phone tell me THREE TIMES that they were confirmed. It turns out the computer had been booking them on the first part of their trip, even though it "knew" they had taken the second part. United's programmers are every bit as inept as it seems the rest of the company is.

Of course when we got to the airport yesterday for their return, there was a problem with the ticket. It wasn't in the system and I had to pick up the customer assistance phone at the counter. I made the agent stay on the line after he said he corrected the problem. I was able to check them in, but their original seat assignments had been erased. OK, minor problem, but in light of everything else, very annoying.

The flight out of Dulles was on time and boarded according to schedule. Then they couldn't get an engine started and it sat at the gate for 90 minutes while they repaired it. Well guess what! There was now no way to make the connecting flight in Chicago - again! Fortunately my daughter has a friend who was willing to drive to Chicago and pick them up. This sounded like a better plan than trying - no, hoping - to get a later flight out of Chicago. I didn't want them stranded in the airport all night. Been there...done that.

So they got a ride. But their luggage was checked through to Milwaukee. They checked with an agent in Chicago and found out when the bags would arrive, and as it turns out, if they drove directly to the Milwaukee airport, they should be able to pick them up. This would have been around 7:30 p.m. The United baggage office in Milwaukee is supposed to stay open until 11:00. However, apparently someone either didn't show up or decided to go home early, because it was locked and dark when they arrived. What an ongoing nightmare!

My daughter called the next morning and United refused to deliver the bags for free since it had been "their choice" not to take a flight from Chicago to Milwaukee. Bull crap! So she and my son went back to the airport and finally - some 28 hours after their departure from Dulles - got their luggage.

I have to call United tomorrow to try and get the refund the agent offered and see if there isn't some way to get back part of the missed second connection. I don't expect much chance of success. They may offer me another voucher, but even that is screwed up. You see, in order to use one of their vouchers, you have to present it in person at a United ticket counter. That means I need to drive two hours to buy a ticket in order to save $100. You know what, I suspect they know that and count of the fact that no one will actually use the stupid vouchers they offer as compensation for turning a three-hour trip into seven.

United is a total mess and I don't know how they remain in business. No one has any authority to fix the problems, it seems, and certainly no one is motivated to try and improve anything. Well, I've finally had enough. I will do everything I can from this point on to avoid flying with them. I've had enough bad experience to now know there will be a problem. The idea of saving some money no longer holds any appeal to me. I'm done with United and if I read in the news that they are going under, I will simply say "good riddance".

Never again.

Marketers Are Idiots - Afrin Edition

Just how incredibly stupid do the marketers of Afrin nasal spray think we are? Have you seen their latest commercial? It consists of a rather plump gentleman sitting on a stool who gives us a very graphic demonstration of what life is like without Afrin. He squeezes his nostrils closed with his fingers. I'm not kidding. This is "before" Afrin. Then he lets go. This is "after" Afrin.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I ended up just shaking my head and wondering what the ad agency's presentation of this brilliant concept in advertising must have been. I imagine several creatives from the agency, plus the account supervisor sitting in the boardroom at Schering-Plough in front of the Afrin marketing team. "OK, we have a guy and he does this..." They all squeeze their noses shut. "He tells us this is what it's like when you're plugged up. Oh, and he talks all muffled and nasaly..." Then he holds up a bottle of Afrin and unplugs his nose. "Now he sounds normal!" It's a miracle!

"Yep, I like it, sounds good, wonderful creative, brilliant, here, take a bunch of money!"

I wonder if they ever stopped to think that the idea is just plain stupid and laughable. Do they really think the American public is so stupid that we won't see this lame "demonstration" for exactly what it is? What's really sad is how this concept could be taken to just about any extreme. Actually, it is...all too frequently. Idiot marketers think it's enough to show someone looking sad, and say "before." Then show the same person looking happy and say "after." This has been the sorry excuse for advertising that marketers have been using for years. They think it works, but it doesn't. At least I hope it doesn't. Because you have to be a very stupid, gullible consumer to react to this kind of mind-control.

On second thought...brilliant!

Afrin liked the idea so much that they made a second, almost identical commercial. Same guy, same concept, but now he's dressed in PJs and robe and is hawking the nighttime version of the nasal spray. I don't think the copy changed one bit other than the name of the product.

By the way, did you know Afrin has a website. Why, I can't even begin to imagine. But they do. Could it possibly get ANY hits?

Afrin's a good product...but their marketers are idiots.

Kay Jewelry's Illiterate Commercial

I'm really sick of the Kay Jewelry television commercial that seems to be running incessantly right now. It features a little girl watching her mother and father break a wishbone.

First of all, whoever directed this spot is a total moron. He or she has no idea how to place a camera and manages to cross the stage line with just about every cut. It's horrible. You can't follow what's going on, who is looking at whom and most importantly, who actually wins the wishbone-pulling contest. It's kind of important to the premise of the spot.

But even worse is the dialog, written I presume by Kay's crack advertising agency. As the couple is pulling the wishbone they explain the process to their daughter. They say, pretty much in unison:

Whoever gets the bigger half --- gets --- their --- wish.

I know I'm being pedantic, but this drives me nuts!

First of all, there is no such thing as a "bigger half." By definition, half is half - equivalent to the other half. Same size. All they had to say is "piece" and I'd not be writing this rant.

But they make it worse with the rest of the sentence. "Whoever....gets their..." Come on! You can't use a singular subject and plural pronoun - even if most people incorrectly talk this way. One of the people pulling the wishbone does NOT get "their" wish, because neither one of them is more than one person. Stupid!

I'm sick of this spot and can't wait for the holiday season to end so I don't have to scream at the TV any more. (And yes, I know, I really need a life.)

Marketers' Lawyers Are Idiots Too

DO NOT ATTEMPT!

How come you never see "Do not attempt" superimposed on the screen during a television show or motion picture when one of the characters does something dangerous? Why do the corporate lawyers think people watching television commercials are going to go out and drive their cars over a cliff because someone did it in a TV spot - but they don't need to protect themselves against this kind of behavior in a show? Why the double standard? When Bruce Willis launched the police car into the helicopter in Live Free or Die Hard, why wasn't there a super warning us against trying this the next time we are being chased by a French mercenary sniper?

More to the point, would a judge really rule favorably for a plaintiff who went out and did something totally stupid just because he saw it in a TV commercial? I know there are plenty of Darwin Awards candidates out there, but don't we pretty much agree they are responsible for their own behaviors? I guess there have been enough court cases that have gone the wrong way to make marketers' companies nervous, but common sense needs to prevail. Some of the ridiculous cautions on most consumer products today probably says I'm wrong.

Of course some of the stunts you see in television commercials are pretty much impossible to do in real life. Can you really walk into a room with a bag of fast food and have it burst into flame like it does in the Taco Bell commercial? ("Professional. Do not attempt.") If you had access to heavy machinery, could you really run over your old washing machine with a steam roller as in the LG spot?

Like so much in our society today, the lawyers rule. Still, I would love to see a whole bunch of people take it upon themselves to try every outlandish stunt they see on TV and if someone gets hurt, try and sue the pants off of the sponsor. Let's see what the lawyers come up with then! We'd probably get a lot of boring commercials (not that there aren't a lot of those already) with pages and pages of text like you see in magazine ads for drugs now.

Common sense...where have you gone?

Next - Trainwreck of a Movie

There was nothing available at Blockbuster this weekend, so I scrounged around the films that have been on the shelves for a while and rented Next with Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel. I know the movie got poor reviews and didn't do extremely well at the box office, but with a cast like that there's has GOT to be something worthwhile in it, right?

WRONG!

What a horrible, stupid movie! I found myself laughing at how convoluted and inept it became almost from the start. I'm going to spoil the plot here because if you're planning on renting it and haven't yet, don't! You WILL be sorry.

The premise is that there's this guy who somehow magically - we're never told how and he claims to have been born that way - can see his own future. But only two-minutes worth. So it allows him to do a magic act and test out pickup lines on women pretty well, but that's about it. Except that he lives in Las Vegas and uses it to earn just enough money to get by and not make the casinos too suspicious. Even though they are.

Anyway, somehow the FBI figures out this guy might has some power they can use to track down a missing nuclear weapon. HUH? The filmmakers cast Julianne Moore - complete with long red hair and freckles - to play the tough-as-nails, sharpshooting FBI agent responsible for convincing the guy to help. It's pathetic to see her trying to be hard and tough, all the while looking soft and cute. Pathetic. The silliest scene involve Ms. Moore running around looking oh-so-cute in her FBI hat with her ponytail pulled through the back and her FBI vest. She's a good 6 inches shorter than everyone else, but her gun is by far the biggest! Absurd.

(At one point Moore threatens to send Cage to Folsom Prison if he doesn't cooperate with their investigation. Uh, they're in Las Vegas...in Nevada. Nevada State Prison or "Carson City" perhaps - but how does Folsom figure into this? Maybe the screenwriter is just stupid. Actually, that would explain a lot!)

Somehow Jessica Biel figures into the plot. Cage sees her in one of his future premonitions that falls beyond the two-minute rule (yeah, they even corrupt their own corrupted reality to tell the story) and she gives him a ride to Flagstaff but has to stop at the Indian reservation where she teaches to drop off present for one of her students and...holly crap...why didn't the screenwriter see what a horrible plot mess this was all becoming? Add in the fact that the terrorists suddenly become more obsessed with kidnapping Biel than setting off their bomb, and it just completely goes to hell. When Cage ultimately splits into about a dozen duplicates of himself, you can't do anything buy groan and regret the time and money you just blew on this trash.

Advice to filmmakers everywhere - don't make movies that your audience can't understand!

If you really want a hoot, go ahead and rent the movie and then watch the special features. They were as clueless as to what to do to create filler material as they were in making the movie. The interviews with the filmmakers are laughable because it's obvious that even they don't know what the movie is really about. The special effects guys are pretty sharp, but you can't hold them responsible for the ridiculous plotline and story gaps.

By far the worst add-on is the final interview with Biel. Total eye candy. It's there so we can enjoy her looks and cleavage. She babbles aimlessly about looking into the future and if she would or if she wouldn't and if she could what she would do and maybe this and maybe that, but no, life is such a joy to live one day at a time, I wouldn't want to not make the mistakes I have made...oh, please! It would have been better to just let her strip down to her undies and let us ogle. At least that would have been honest. Just take a look at her image in the movie poster. Notice anything? Yep...that's why she's in the movie. The director must have had a hard one every day she was on the set. Nothing else can explain her presence in the film. Actually, nothing can explain the presence of this film - period!

Excellent Marketing by Verizon

As much horrible, clueless advertising as there is out there today, it is so refreshing to see a brilliant television commercial. I'm referring to the wonderful new spot from Verizon in which one girl gets a pony as a gift while her two friends get new Verizon phones. You've seen it. They seem to be running it constantly.



Bonnie Dennison, the girl who gets the pony, is marvelous. She hardly has any dialog but her looks, her expressions and her timing are fantastic. Kudos to the director for bringing out this performance! Even the look on the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy is priceless as he watches the horse eat the roof off the doghouse. It's just plain funny and I don't get tired of watching it. More than that, it's effective because I remember perfectly what it is for and what they are selling. That's rare today with all the clutter on TV.

The only flaw in the entire commercial is an rather inexcusable continuity error. If you notice Bonnie's hands at the start of the spot she has her arms folded and two fingers on her left hand are bandaged. At one point she switched the orientation of her folder arms and the left hand is no longer visible. Then on the next cut, it is back to its original position. I don't understand how this could happen because of how important the two bandaged fingers are to the payoff line at the end of the spot. Somebody on the production crew really dropped the ball here. Lazy and unprofessional filmmaking.

But the overall effect - brilliant! Five stars!

Bad Taste from Beyonce

I will be the first to admit, like millions of you, that Beyonce Knowles is one of the most talented and beautiful women in show business today. She's also got to have more money than she knows what to do with, which makes me wonder why she is doing so many commercials lately. I think the worst - and most embarrassing - is probably her most lucrative; as spokeswoman for DirecTV.

The ad features Beyonce singing and dancing, which is obviously what she does best. She's wearing a skimpy gold dress, which is obviously what makes her look best. But the hard-sell of the "upgrade" message is just too over the top. She's no longer a hot, appealing spokesperson, but just another hard-sell saleswoman shoving something down our throats.

But most bothersome - how much did they have to pay her to put an "upgrade" piece of rapper bling in her mouth? Maybe it was included in the price. Regardless, it's sad.

I Wish I Could Think This Fast

I read a great, short piece on PlaneBuzz today. It has the interesting title: "We Knew This Was Going to Happen." It was about a passenger on an airplane with a iPhone who mimicked the Apple television commercial in which a flight attendant somehow used his iPhone to get the plane out of the gate and into the air despite a weather delay.

It seems life imitated "art" recently when an actual passenger questioned the delay of a flight due to weather. He challenged the crew's explanation as to why they weren't airborne, and the pilot got onto the public address system with this reply:

"If the passenger with the iPhone would be kind enough to use it to check the weather at our alternate, calculate our fuel burn due to being rerouted around the storms, call the dispatcher to arrange our release, and then make a phone call to the nearest Air Traffic Control center to arrange our timely departure amongst the other aircraft carrying passengers with iPhones, then we will be more than happy to depart. Please ring your call button to advise the Flight Attendant and your fellow passengers when you deem it ready and responsible for this multi-million dollar aircraft and its passengers to safely leave."

Priceless! I wish I could think of things like that to say. Perfect!

Atlanta Christians Prove There Is No God

Atlanta is have some serious drought problems. They're not alone, but they seem to be getting a lot of the press about it. I came across this article on the MSN website, which at first made me laugh, and then caused me to ponder just what the heck is going on in this country.

It seems Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue organized a group prayer on the steps of the state capitol building to ask God for some rain. There were some protests about state-sanctioned prayer, but what struck me more was the ludicrousness of this whole thing. How is this any different than say, hiring an American Indian to perform a rain dance? Or a witch to cast a spell on the clouds to make them give up their precious water? Most of the people who gathered to pray together would surely scoff at either of these other two methods, but they don't see their actions as being so steeped in superstition and ignorance.

But the most interesting aspect of this whole ridiculous waste of time and taxpayer money is that IT DIDN'T WORK. No rain...not a drop. Atlanta is still as bone dry as it was before everyone joined hands, bowed then heads and attempted telepathic communication.

So I guess Atlanta managed to prove there is no God. Nice job, zealots. Probably not what you intended, but at least some good came out of your mass ignorance.

Marketers Are Idiots - Applebee's Edition

Sometimes marketing concepts and campaigns are so lame, I truly wish I could have sat in on the creative presentation by the agency. The current Applebee's television campaign is one I would have loved to have experienced.

Agency: OK, here's the concept for our new television campaign. We have a hip, urban black guy sitting on a park bench texting someone on his phone.

Applebee's Idiot: Great. Urban blacks avoid us like the plague. This will certainly make them want to eat at an Applebee's and travel 20 miles to get there!

Agency: And on the back of the bench there's an apple.

Applebee's Idiot: Oh wow...a red apple, right? That will make people think of us because the word "apple" in part of our name. Brilliant!

Agency: And the apple kind of bounces up and down while we hear it speaking to the guy.

Applebee's Idiot: Bouncing...good. That's what an apple would do if it was talking. What does it sound like?

Agency: Well, like Wanda Sykes.

Applebee's Idiot: Oh, I love her...and she's black too, right? She is black, isn't she?

Agency: Yes, and she tells the guy he shouldn't be sitting on a bench all alone but should be at a restaurant with friends.

Applebee's Idiot: And so we then see him at an Applebee's, right? With some other urban black people? But can we have some white people too? And a woman? Could she maybe be Hispanic?

Agency: Yes, and the apple is now on the back of the booth and continues talking to him.

Applebee's Idiot: And it still sounds like Wanda Sykes? And it still just kind of bounces up and down? That's what apples do when they talk!

Agency: You got it!

Applebee's Idiot: Sounds good to me! How much money do you need? This will be great!

Of course I hope the Agency Guy did his best to actually create and present something that isn't so incredibly lame and that the bouncing, talking, Wanda Sykes apple was all the client's idea...but I know better. The agency's brilliant, new 20-something recent college graduate intern was given the job of coming up with something breakthrough, but when he found out he couldn't feature a clown, the bouncing apple came into his head.

There is so much wrong with this campaign that it's actually hard to comment on it. If you want Wanda Sykes as your spokesperson - not a bad idea - don't just put her voice into a bouncing apple. And about that bouncing apple...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Did you feed it peanut butter so it looked like it was talking?

For all the good this campaign is going to do Applebee's they should give the money to charity and at least get some good PR instead of the ridicule this pathetic, desperate attempt at television advertising is going to gain them. What a total waste! The people in marketing at Applebee's are idiots. This is proof positive!

Fires Not Set By Terrorists

Poor Fox News...poor right-wing blowhards...poor Bush administration. So the Southern California fires weren't a terrorist plot after all. Just some sad little boy playing with matches. That's got to be hard to take. I mean the speculation was so intense. How many more of our civil rights could have been taken away - if only it had been another attack on America!

This article on MSN.com says it all.

But wait...maybe that's just what the terrorists want us to think! Maybe they put those matches into that little boy's hands! No, this is a cover-up by the left-wing media. They planted this story just so we'd divert out attention! Osama bin Laden himself struck the match and put it into the boy's hand with instructions to throw himself into the fire once it started! Had to be, right?

OK, get ready for round 2, America. This ain't over yet!

Taco Bell's Marketers Are Geniuses

Marketers today are typically desperate idiots. But the people at Taco Bell have done a fantastic job over the years of tying in to the World Series. They have done it again this year with their "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco" promotion.

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series since 1990, so it's a pretty safe bet that there was going to be one in 2007. But more importantly is the buzz that this created both on the field and in the broadcast booth. The Fox commentators kept mentioning the promotion and giving the audience updates on whether a base has been stolen yet or not. The network recorded conversations between players in the bullpen in which they discuss the possibility of everybody in America getting a free taco if only someone steals a base. The CEO of Taco Bell was interviewed as he watched Game 2 from the stands in Boston. It's estimated that the value of this additional publicity was something like $4 million. Hey, that pays for a LOT of tacos.

The idiot, fearful, ineffective marketers out there are saying, "How can they afford this?" "This is nuts...what if everyone in America takes advantage of their offer." Panic! Panic! Panic!

But this is where the genius of Taco Bell's marketers comes into play. First of all, they are restricting the hours during which a free taco is available. It's not their peak lunch or dinner hours. Next, a single taco is not a full meal for most people. Sure some people will stop in for just the free taco, but the majority will buy something else and probably a drink too. Nice profit margin on those beverages, you know.

But the real value is in getting people who might otherwise never stop into a Taco Bell or try their food to maybe, just maybe, become a regular customer. After all, as most good marketers know (not the idiots who would never try anything as bold as this) traffic is the key to almost any business's success. Get 'em in the door. Get 'em to try your product. That's 90% of the battle, and Taco Bell is going to benefit tremendously from this entire endeavor.

Marketers Are Idiots - Dental Floss Edition

I harp a lot at marketers because, well, they are complete idiots. It comes from their abject desperation at having no clue how to effectively communicate information about their products to a public that is overly saturated with ads - and quite frankly, doesn't care. Out of fear, they try to create emotional attachments where there are none, and elevate the importance of their product to that of air and water in the lives of their customers.

I stumbled upon a new level of stupidity recently - in a survey I took sponsored by some marketer of dental floss. Yes, a survey about dental floss!

It started off innocently enough with questions about how often I floss my teeth and what brands of dental floss I use. It got worse - and really stupid - pretty quickly. All of a sudden I'm faced with a grid that has something like 10 different brands of dental floss listed across the top. Down the left side are about 20 questions and I'm supposed to fill in the dot for the brands that best match the statements.

The questions assumed a deep personal involvement with my dental floss brand that I dare say doesn't exist in any sane consumer's mind.

"This brand knows my lifestyle and helps support it."

"I feel confident using this brand."

"This brand gives me a sense of satisfaction."

This brand bolsters my self-esteem."

I'm not making these up. Remember, these are questions about DENTAL FLOSS!

How desperate! How sad! Here are these moron marketers trying to justify the money they spend - or what to spend - to sell America on the idea that one brand of dental floss is better than another - because it "supports your lifestyle".

I can just see it now. Some guy who is scared to death about keeping his job, sharing the "data" with his boss, the VP, showing that their brand is preferred over the next leading brand by 4.6% because of the scientifically calculated satisfaction quotient he developed. He spent 20 hours creating the presentation and all the colorful charts and graphs. His conclusion, if we pump $23.8 million more into the marketing of our brand, we could potentially crack the 5% satisfaction barrier! Then both he and the VP get huge boners.

I put some rather inappropriate comments into my survey at this point, because quite frankly, I had no idea how to answer a question about the emotional satisfaction I receive from using one brand of dental floss over another. Marketers are sad, sorry, stupid people who go to tremendous lengths to justify their existence. And they have no idea how to conduct a proper, meaningful survey.

A more representative survey would have been a lot shorter:

Can you name a single brand of dental floss? Yes/No

No? Thank you for your time.

Deal or No Deal Has Become Predictable

I enjoy NBC's Deal or No Deal. I know it's totally low-brow, but there's something about it that grabs and holds my attention. And yes, the models are pretty spectacular. Howie Mandel makes it interesting, although he's a much better comic than gameshow host.

However, the show has become very predictable. It's almost a formula. That's probably by design, because they've found their niche and don't want to alienate or disappoint the audience.

First of all, the contestants have pretty much merged into a single "type." They all have a hard-luck story and really need the money. But they aren't very smart. More than any other common denominator, they are overcome by greed when they make it onto the program.

Here's how a typical show goes:

The overly energetic contestant has an abundance of false confidence. He or she is "certain" the selected case contains the million dollars. Absolutely. No doubt. Of course in the first round the actual million dollar case is revealed, but this doesn't seem to shake the contestant's previous belief that he or she possesses some sort of psychic skills.

At some point in the game the banker will offer six figures. Probably on the order of $130,000 to $180,000. But the contestant sees $250,000 - $300,000 - even $500,000 still on the board and assumes one of these is attainable. Or course the idiotic family and friends all yell "NO DEAL - NO DEAL" - "ONE MORE - ONE MORE". Without fail, the next "one more" case is the highest amount on the board and the next offer drops dramatically. Everyone yells, "It's OK. It's OK." But it's not. At this point the contestant is totally screwed and must continue to open cases as the offers drop significantly.

The clueless contestant finally accepts a deal for a few hundred dollars when it becomes obvious that the coveted case probably contains $25.

What I find particularly amusing is when Howie explains the odds to the contestant near the end of the game, trying desperately to convince him or her push the frickin' button and not get burned. "You have a one in three chance that one of two cases have at least $75,000 or more." You can see the contestant's eyes glaze over. All he or she can see is that one remaining $250,000 case shown on the board. At this point, they are playing the lottery. They are spending their grocery money to buy a Megabucks ticket. And at this point the producers of the show are counting on giving away $100 instead of a million, because greed never wins. Not a bad payout for a popular prime time Network show.

And I think this has become the primary appeal of Deal or No Deal. At first we wanted to see someone beat the banker and walk out with a ton of money. Now we want to see a train wreck. We want to see someone self-destruct. We want to see someone turn down hundreds of thousands of dollars and end up with pocket change.

More often than not, we get what we want. Too bad.

Nancy Grace is Pathetic

I just clicked on the TV. Unfortunately it was still tuned to CNN Headline News from this morning, and Nancy Grace appeared on the screen.

How does this woman manage to look into the mirror each day without barfing?

Tonight she is "investigating" a murder in Alabama. The bottom portion of the screen says:

URGENT NEWS - Honors Student Shot Dead in BMW

First of all, I don't see what is "urgent" about this. It didn't just happen and the police have no leads. But more importantly, what is the relevance that the dead person was an honors student - and what the hell difference does it make in what kind of car she was killed? I'm sure Ms. Grace is somehow trying to make this crime more personal by injecting details, but this is just lame. Then again, this is what Nancy Grace does, isn't it?

She keeps babbling her unsubstantiated conjecture about the crime and interviews a local police officer who basically says they don't know anything ten different ways. Nancy wonders aloud about all sorts of things that she couldn't possibly know, and shakes her head in disgust at this tragic loss.

If she doesn't make herself sick, she sure does it to me! Pathetic.

Feeling Sorry for Sen. Larry Craig

I'm watching Senator Larry Craig and his wife, Suzanne, being interviewed on NBC by Matt Lauer. They are seated in the living room of their beautiful Idaho home. It's all warm and soft - lots of wood. Senator Craig is in a pullover sweater, no tie, and Mrs. Craig is dressed in red. Lots of family photos spread all around the room.

The thing that's bothering me about it all is how adamantly the Craigs are protesting the recent bathroom pickup incident, but how weak and desperate their lame explanations are. I'm constantly reminded of the line from Shakespeare about protesting too much. It's not working. I'm not buying it. I'm seeing way too much panic and worry about one's image and legacy - and perhaps one's way of life. The lines all sound rehearsed and planned.

This seems especially true of Mrs. Craig. She jumps into the conversation so loudly and frequently - even though she wasn't anywhere near Minneapolis when Senator Craig was arrested - that you can just see how afraid she is of her entire life crumbling down over this. It's wonderful being a Senator's wife. But where's the prestige in being the wife of a disgraced, gay-bashing right-wing conservative who turns out to enjoy anonymous gay sex? And what does that say about her as a woman? You can see it on her face and hear it in her voice. She is scared shitless!

I kind of feel sorry for Senator Craig. He's not as good a liar as his Republican cohorts in Washington. He got caught and is desperately trying not to go down in flames. It probably won't work. He's probably done. If he hadn't been such a prick over his career and been so condescending in his righteousness, then this wouldn't be such a big deal. But he certainly isn't the first two-faced politician to crash and burn, nor will he be the last.

I feel sorry for him, but I hope his days in the Senate are over.

Microsoft Deserves Our Scorn

I bought my son a new laptop computer. He has an older HP that is pretty much falling apart. It's slow, the keys either stick or require a really long, strong press to respond, and the right button on the keypad only works about half the time.

I've had good luck with Dell laptops, so I decided that was the way I wanted to go. I considered a Mac because that's what they use in his school, but there's still a huge cost difference between a PowerBook and basic Windows laptop - especially since prices have seemed to really drop lately at Dell.

I have not switched to Vista at either work or home, so I'm only slightly familiar with it. However, there's no easy way to buy a new laptop without it being pre-installed. I guess you can make a special request at Dell, but it costs extra and they "officially" recommend you go with the newer operating system.

I fired up the new laptop in order to check it out and do a little bit of configuring before I turn it over to him. Of course I turned on Windows Update to see what happens.

CRAP! Here's a brand new laptop computer, turned on for the very first time, and it immediately needs 18 updates that comprise over 54MB of downloaded data! What is up with that? How long did Microsoft work on - and delay the release of - Vista? They wanted to make it perfect, right? They wanted it to be THE upgrade everyone has been waiting for. Secure. Bullet-proof. Right and tight. Then why the heck, right out of the box, do I need 18 critical updates? Could it be this product is total crap?

In what other industry would you buy something BRAND NEW and accept that it is so totally defective? If your new TV wouldn't get all the channels, would you keep it? If your new car needed 18 things fixed when you go to pick it up, would you be happy? Why is it necessary for there to be an entire branch of the computer software industry just to fix things that are wrong with the world's major operating system? Anti-virus programs, system optimizers, disk defraggers, firewalls, spyware removers, adware eliminators. I know there are lots and lots of really bad people out there who will do anything to break into someone's computer or simply spread their spam, but why does it seem so easy and why is it so hard for Microsoft to prevent it?

It's no wonder that Apple - and now Linux - are making such headway with the world's computer users. But Microsoft's near monopoly on operating systems will take a long time to unseat, if it can ever be done. There could easily be a worldwide computer meltdown before enough people wise up and dump this horribly incompetent product.

I've read that sales of Vista have been drastically less than what Microsoft anticipated or predicted. It's no wonder, since most of us have made a sort of working peace with XP. They came up with the idea of telling IT people that the reason they should switch is because it costs less to support Vista than XP - to the tune of about $1000 a computer per year? What? Don't they see the absurdity in this? XP sucks, but Vista sucks less, so switch, people, switch. Besides, we don't have enough money. Make Bill Gates the richest man in the world...oh, wait, too late.

Yes, Microsoft deserves our scorn. They sure as heck have mine!

Only in Theaters

Why do movie studios think it's necessary to add "only in theaters" to the end of their previews and promos? They all do it and I really can't figure out why.

Are they afraid people will think it's a TV show and therefore NOT go to the theater to see it? Are they afraid instead people will sit at home surfing from channel to channel trying to find the movie?

Or are they afraid people will go to the store looking for the DVD instead of shelling out $10 to go see it at the theater? Yeah, the studios push DVDs pretty hard when a movie becomes available, but are people really so stupid as to not realize the difference?

I can't think of an alternative reason for adding this stupid phrase to the end of the preview. I know the public can sometimes be awfully dumb - but I think this presumes a lack of intelligence on the part of movie-goers that isn't justified.

Pity for Marion Jones

I'm saddened by the latest news about Marion Jones. I don't think her use of performance-enhancing drugs should be condoned - after all, it's creating, it's illegal and every athlete knows what s/he can and cannot do to get an edge on the competition - but I can't help but feel the world has lost an impressive physical talent, and to many women, a very valuable role model. Damn, Marion, why?

She has such incredible talent and style...she is perfection in motion. Whenever I watched her I found myself amazed at just how beautiful the human body can be. 5' 11" - 155 pounds - not an ounce of fat - a six-pack any body builder would die for. She didn't need the drugs. She had the burning desire!

I also find it hard to imagine how much work and effort must go into being able to do what she does. Yes, she has a natural gift, but without the daily dedication and incredibly grueling workouts, she would just be attractive - not perfect. What's more, track and field is such a solitary sport. You compete with yourself, the clock, the tape measure...you don't have teammates to turn to for encouragement when the going gets tough. You have to be totally driven to attain perfection. And the drugs aside, I think Marion Jones got there.

What makes this whole incident even worse is how she somehow lost all of the money she earned from her various track meets and endorsement contracts. I still don't understand how someone with that much fame and fortune can lose it all, but I know she hasn't been the first and certainly won't be the last. The leeches came out and sucked her dry. But I guess ultimately the responsibility lies with Marion Jones.

I hope she recovers and I hope somehow she is able to continue being a part of the sport she obviously loves. Good luck, Marion!

Steinbrenner is a Dick

No duh! Everyone knows George Steinbrenner is a pompous ass. But he doesn't care. He's rich, famous and the majority owner of the best baseball team of the past century. I'm sure he somehow justifies being such a jerk with some higher purpose, but the fact is he is a horrible person and has not been good for the sport of baseball. I'm sure there's no way in the world you could ever convince him of that. Steinbrenner is hubris personified.

As I write this I'm watching Game 4 of the 2007 ALDS. The Indians have already gone up 2-0 in the top of the first inning. The Yankees have to win to keep the series going. If they loose, it's the Indians and Red Sox in the American League Championship Series.

Steinbrenner has announced in the press that he is going to fire Joe Torre if the Yankees don't win the series. What a horrible, classless thing to do. It's probably a publicity stunt and Steinbrenner is just trying to generate press for the club, but if not, it is as petty and childish a thing a person can do. Someone should kick him in the nuts.

If the Yankees lose...and if Steinbrenner fires Torre, I hope the city of New York reacts with such anger and indignation as to hit this jerk where it hurts most - in the pocketbook. I hope every season-ticket-holder turns in his seats and demands a refund. I hope the crowd boycotts the start of the 2008 season. I hope the press fries him and supports Torre, who has been every bit as good for the game of baseball as Steinbrenner has been bad.

Torre is a classy, talented, honest professional who deserves better than Steinbrenner's cheap-shots and low-class style. It's probably only because of Torre's personality that he's been able to survive working for George Steinbrenner as long as he has. He would be better off somewhere else and whichever team rushes to hire him will enjoy tremendous success. But this isn't the way to do it.

No Torre, no Yankees. Please, New York, show that you've got class even if "The Boss" doesn't. Let an empty Yankee Stadium tell Steinbrenner just what you think of his pathetic style.

HP Software Really Sucks

I have the software for two printers installed on my computer. One is a Lexmark X85 and the other is an HP 6100 series all-in-one. Well, recently I was away from home and needed to print something. An HP 1400 series was available to me, so I decided to take advantage of it. But I didn't have the software. No problem, I thought, I'll just download it from HP's website.

That was no easy task. First I tried simply downloading the drivers, but after three attempts at installing them, it simply refused to find the printer and always hung on the screen where you are supposed to install the USB cable.

So I decided to download the complete program - all bloated 192 MB of it. No, I didn't really want or need HP Photosmart Essential or HP Solutions Center, but I didn't have much choice. I'd spent far too much time on this as it was. Their server was just about the slowest I've seen for a major computer-industry company.

As I'm installing the software - second attempt, by the way - it tells me I have an older version of HP's "all-in-one" software installed on my computer. Yes, this is for the HP 6100 series printer that I normally use. It gave me no options, but told me it was going to update this software and assured me my old printer would still work with it. Yeah, right!

I finally got the software installed and it recognized the 1400. As I expected, I noticed the 6100 was now gone. OK...I at least got to do what I had to do.

Well, today I tried printing again to the 6100. No surprise, total gibberish. It sent something to the printer, but what came out was nothing but a few lines of symbols, then a sheet with one line of junk on it, and so on. It was only a two page document. After about 10 wasted pages I managed to notice what was happening and cancel the print job.

This is just stupid programming. Why would the engineer assume by installing one model of their printer's software that I want to delete a different one? Or why wouldn't they simply make this magical "all-in-one" software compatible with multiple printers? That's the impression they gave me with the information boxes that appeared during installation, but apparently this is not the case.

Just to confirm that HP software totally sucks and their programmers are morons, I noticed a new icon on my desktop when all of this was done. It's a shortcut that consists of the HP logo and text underneath it that says:

get your downloaded software

I'm not quite sure what that means? But it gets worse. The popup text that appears when you place the cursor over this icon reads:

download your downloaded software

Yep, HP, you suck! Want further proof? Simply do a Google search on "HP sucks" and you'll immediately get about 2.5 million results! There's a heck of a lot of HP-bashing going on out there. Must be a reason. Must be many reasons. I certainly found a worthy one. Somehow it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

Cadillac - It's All in the Delivery

There's a marvelous new commercial on TV right now for Cadillac. A very attractive woman is listing all of the cool things built into a Cadillac as she drives through the night. She finishes with a truly great ad line: "The question is, when you turn on your car, does it return the favor?"

What's so good about this line is, first of all, the incredibly sultry way in which she delivers it. But secondly, it lets the viewer decide what "turn on" means. If you want to think sex, fine. But it can also be a wonderful euphemism for "excite" or "energize." Lines that let the listeners or viewers define them in their minds instead of shoving something down their throats are by far the most effective.

However, delivery DOES count. As I said, part of what makes this work in the TV commercial is the way in which the actress says the words. She injects an incredible pause. But just today I heard a radio commercial for a local Cadillac dealer who obviously wanted to pick up on this new ad theme, but like many car dealers, feels he has the vocal skills to actually read and deliver advertising copy.

Imaging someone saying this very quickly, and pretty much without any inflection:

TriCity Cadillac wants to know if your car turns you on when you turn it on and if you want to save a LOT of money on a brand new Cadillac today!

Embarrassingly lame, but I'm sure he thinks he's doing his part to promote the national campaign. Of course when nobody comes into his dealership because he's a moron, I'm sure it will be the fault of Cadillac's advertising and not his pathetic attempt at being a commercial spokesperson.

The automotive industry has always had a huge problem. It spends a huge amount of money making some amazingly stunning national television commercials that are totally undone by all the local dealers who know absolutely nothing conveying a meaningful message to potential customers.

Marketers Are Idiots - Total Cereal Edition

The clueless morons who have no idea what to do to market their product are at it again! In a company as large as General Mills it's no surprise that there is no shortage of them.

I just saw a commercial for Total Cereal. It's got a lot going for it. It's a very healthy product, tastes, well, OK and comes in a variety of flavors that vastly improve upon the basic, bland version.

But this commercial!?!? It starts off playing an old Canned Heat song from the mid 1960s called On the Road Again. Very memorable song at the time, but really hasn't entered into the top tunes of the decade. But, like so many other stupid marketers out there, they figure people stop growing in terms of thought, arts, music and tastes when they reach about 25 years of age. Then, by simply playing a piece of music from that era - HEY, we are connecting with former hippies who are now in the 50s and 60s and in need of a healthy cereal that will help them lose weight!

IDIOTS! I am so freakin' tired of this marketing "strategy." They enhance the music with all sorts of outdated "psychedelic" animation and lettering, because, of course, that's the only kind of graphics "hippies" respond to! I think what really bothers me the most is that these ads are being created by 20-something copywriters and art directors at agencies who think this technique is an effective shortcut to reaching the baby-boom generation. It is NOT! It's patronizing and, as far as I'm concerned, does the exact opposite of what they are trying to do.

I hope this campaign fails miserably and heads at General Mills and their ad agency roll.

Stupid Marketing is, well, STUPID

There is a television station in Winchester, Virginia. Only one. It's actually sort of a field office for a station based a few miles south in Harrisonburg.

Anyway, they make a big deal about being "in your community." I assume this was their big idea to try and localize the broadcasts. They used to say this every time they mentioned the station or came back from a commercial break. It got hugely tedious and they've cut way back on it. Thank you!

But that's not what this post is about. The station has been trying hard to sign on advertisers, but by the number of PSAs they run it doesn't look like they're having much success. However, Dunkin Donuts must have recently agreed to a schedule, because they are now running spots in the 11:00 p.m. news recommending that you stop in tomorrow morning for one of their many flavors of coffee.

The spot concludes with the announcer saying, "Dunkin Donuts is the official coffee of TV3 Winchester's new at 11:oo." Huh? The official coffee of a newscast? Not just any newscast, the 11:oo p.m. newscast. When the heck did newscasts start having an official anything? It boggles the mind the extremes to which this absurdity could be taken.

This is one of the stupidest marketing ideas I have seen in a long time. If anybody is influenced to buy a cup of coffee from Dunkin Donuts because it is the official coffee of this totally amateur newscast, we truly are on the road to Armageddon. What crap!

Marketers Are Idiots - Coke Zero Edition

Coke is spending millions and millions of dollars to try and promote their new Coke Zero product - and I haven't seen a brand that is more clueless and desperate in a long, long time.

Their run-into-the-ground commercial, which they are showing both on national television and in movie theaters, features two geeky dolts talking to an "actual" lawyer supposedly on hidden camera. It appears these guys work for regular Coke and want to sue Coke Zero for "taste infringement." The lawyers basically tell them they can't sue their own company and they would be fired if they try. But the two idiots claim they want the manager of Coke Zero to curl up and cry underneath the copy machine.

The are violating one of the most important rules of consumer marketing: "Don't talk to yourself!"

I'm assuming what they are trying to do is convey that Coke Zero tastes exactly the same as regular Coke but...uh, but...there's "zero" of something in there. You'd think calories, right? No, I guess it's no sugar, but I certainly didn't find that out from this lame, amateur commercial.

It's so amazingly desperate. I can imagine everyone at Coke sitting around trying to figure out how they should communicate the concept of this product and somebody with absolutely no marketing skills or experience whatsoever said, "I know! Let's do a spot where we sue ourselves for making something that tastes so much like regular Coke that there's copyright infringement. We can make it even better by bringing in real lawyers and capture their incredulous outrage at such a bold idea!" Everyone laughed, added their two cents and congratulated this clueless member of the team with his or her brilliance!

Sorry. It's just lame, insipid and stupid. It doesn't convey a thing and it's not funny. The money is going down the drain and this product is destined to fail. The marketers at Coke are idiots.

New Rule for Viral Videos

I take exception to calling any video that appears on the Internet "viral" but I'll save that rant for another day.

Right now I want to propose a new rule for all the idiots with video cameras who are shooting one of their friends attempting to perform a Jackass-style stunt that we know is going to bad.

Shut the hell up!

The audio track of every video you see is exactly the same and exactly as inane. It always goes like this:

"Ok. Go. Do it."
(a moment of silence while the "stuntman" risks his life)
"Oooooooohhhhh, Dude!"
(cackle cackle cackle ha ha ha ha ha)
"Are you all right?"
(chortle cackle ha ha ha ha ha ha)

It's amazing how annoying the laugh of most 20-something guys is.

Then they run the video in slow motion and we get to hear the moron behind the camera giggle once again at a much lower pitch.

Go ahead and test me on this. You'll see I'm right. So I propose a new rule that needs to be adopted Internet-wide. If the cameraman can't stay out of the video by keeping his stupid mouth shut, then the video is instantly banned for any and all upload sites. Just imagine if they did this on TV shows or movies. You watch an action-packed stunt and then the crew all make comments, applaud and say "ooooohhhhhh" in unison. Wouldn't work. You'd switch the channel or walk out. So why the double standard?

Camera dudes - SHUT UP!

Product Placement Gone Wild

Everyone is becoming more and more cognisant about what they call "product placement" in movies and TV shows. That's where some readily recognizable brand of product is either used by a character or appears in a scene. It's a very subtle - and effective - form of branding that carries an implied endorsement. It's been around a long time, but with the way people are doing their best to avoid traditional advertising these days, it's become increasingly important to marketers to get their products displayed in alternative ways.

This brings me to the recent film, Fracture, starring Anthony Hopkins and Ryan Gosling. I wanted to see it when it first came out, but just didn't get around to it. I really enjoy Sir Anthony - especially when he plays a bad guy - and the previews looked great! So I rented it and watched it last night. It's a very well done suspense thriller with lots of great dialog, interesting characters and some cool courtroom action. It's full of all sorts of plot holes and a few too many twists, but was very engrossing - with one MAJOR exception.

Obviously Apple computer continued its onslaught of Hollywood with its blatant product placement in this film. I don't know if someone at Apple has an incredible "in" with the Hollywood creative crowd, or if the folks who make movies just simply love Apple, but it's amazing how many recent films show the famous bite-out-of-the-apple logo on screen. In Fracture they went to extremes!

First of all, the lead character played by Gosling, is a fast-track lawyer with the Los Angeles prosecutor's office. As he gets ready to go to work in the morning, they cut to a closeup of him inserting his Apple laptop into its case before he heads out the door. I mean this was a complete and full setup that the filmmakers had to spend significant time and money to do, simply to clearly show the logo as the computer is packed up.

Later we see this same laptop on his desk in the office, but it gets worse. The police use Apples, the bad guy has a Mac on his desk, which he left open before going off to go kill his wife so we can easily see the logo, and even the judge during the trial has an open Mac on her bench so that everyone in the courtroom can clearly see what kind of computer she uses!

The problem with all of this is that, first of all, I highly doubt the L.A. prosecutor's office uses Apple laptops, and I really don't know if many judges keep an open laptop on their bench during a trial. If they do, again, I seriously doubt it's a Mac. And because the filmmakers made all of these appearances so incredibly obvious, to me it seriously hurt the credibility and believability of the movie. They went too far. Fracture became a running Apple Mac commercial more than a tight psychological thriller.

I just wonder what they got in return for ruining their movie. When product placement stops being subtle, I think it also stops being effective. My reaction to the use of so many Macs in this film - and I happen to like Macintosh computers a lot - is highly negative. Too much. Stop it! Let me enjoy the film without you hitting me in the face with an Apple logo every few minutes. I almost expected the "Hello, I'm a Mac" guy to pop up and say something.

Time to back off a bit. Everyone will benefit.

Caitlin Upton is No Dumb Blond

By now everyone has seen the clip of Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, answering the question about why 20% of Americans can't locate the United States on a map. It's classic and exactly the type of 15-minutes-of-fame that the Internet is all about today.

She appeared on the Today Show with Matt Laurer and Ann Curry today to talk about the clip and the contest and basically tell everyone, "Hey, I'm human. I was nervous. I rambled. I made a mistake."

The thing is, she came off very poised, extremely cute, honest and really, really good-natured. She even explained what a lunar eclipse is, probably reading from a prompter, but still, not a single flub delivering a detailed technical definition.

Most importantly...whose name is everyone saying today? Whose face is everyone seeing? Whose clip from the competition was shown last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno? Who is everyone searching for on YouTube? And who just made the above-mentioned appearance on the Today Show?

Can you tell me the name of the girl who actually won the contest?

Caitlin Upton is no dumb blond. She will go far. Good for her!

Marketers Are Idiots - Viagra Edition

What's wrong with this picture?

Six guys - four whites, including a guy who is presumably a "biker" because he's dressed in leather and wears a red-and-white bandanna, and two blacks - meet at an abandoned roadhouse bar somewhere in the woods. They happen to have some guitars, a standup bass, a set of drums and a piano - and each one knows how to play one of these instruments. It seems only the white guys can sing. They start jamming and do a version of Elvis Presley's Viva Las Vegas...except they change the chorus to "Viva Viagra".

Pretty ludicrous idea, huh? Well, that's Pfizer's current prime time television campaign for their little blue boner pills!

Everyone I know who has seen this commercial - and it's print version which is now hitting the national magazines - thinks it is just laughable. A true "what were they thinking" response. Even my 14-year-old son thinks they are totally absurd. It's really hard to comment on it, because it is so incredibly lame - and I guess ultimately desperate. The product managers at Pfizer are trying to make Viagra a new happy party pill instead of treating it as a prescription medication to treat a medical condition. Pop a Viagra, sing a happy song, and go have some wild sex, man! Sad...very, very sad.


But just when you think it couldn't get any worse...go to the official Viagra website! Not only do you get watch the commercial, but you can play a game of educational darts! After each toss of a dart, up pops some very useful information about erectile dysfunction and how Viagra is the miracle cure. Yes, a game of online darts! I can only image a group of 50-year-olds gathering around the computer and competing with one another, and oh yes, reading aloud the statistics on limp dicks. "Hey, Bob, come on over and we'll play some Viagra darts on the computer!"

But there's more! You can also mix your own version of Viva Viagra! It actually says: Learn more about Viagra by creating your own rendition of the Viva Viagra song!"

Click on the link and..."Choose the instruments. Mix up the beats. Get into the spirit of Viva VIAGRA."

Doesn't that sound exciting? Can you imagine one sick, sad, sorry person in need of a life actually DOING this?

A new low has been reached. An incredible amount of money has been wasted. Congratulations to the idiotic Viagra marketing team at Pfizer.

Read a good critique by Allison Linn at the MSNBC blog, Ads of the Weird.

LOL Cats

I don't know a whole lot about the LOLCat phenomenon, but true to its name, I frequently burst out laughing when I see some of the goofy photos and clever captions. I know it all started with a photo of a cute cat and a caption having something to do with a "cheezburger" It seems the best site to view LOLCat photos is icanhascheezeburger.com.

I decided to jump on the bandwagon. I've had a cat allowing me to live with it and feed it for most of my life. In fact as I write this I have a large orange tabby laying against my leg and purring loudly. He even permits me to scratch his head once in a while.

I submitted a couple of photos to icanhascheezeburger, but none of my work has showed up yet. Apparently they are a small operation that pretty much started out as a blog and has grown much faster than they ever could have imagined. Good for them! I tried using the "LOLCat Creator" tool that links to their site, but it was awfully slow and never seemed to work, so I just fired up Photoshop and did it all myself. So here are a couple of examples. If they don't make you laugh, at least I hope they make you smile.





Maybe I'll upload some more later. Right now the cat is demanding some attention, and patience is a virtue he does not possess!

Moronic Commentary by Michael Kinsley

I've been reading the August 13, 2007 edition of Time magazine and just finished the Commentary on page 26 by Michael Kinsley.

What a disappointment! Kinsley is normally in sync with my views on things. At the very least he writes intelligent, insightful and thought-provoking opinions. But this one, entitled Nostra Culpa, is so flawed that I couldn't resist commenting on it. The subhead is, Pundits and politicians admitted to being wrong about Iraq. Shouldn't the American public do the same?

Are you serious?

Basically he is calling for the American public to recant or apologize for supporting the country's decision to invade Iraq. He figures if the politicians who supported the war and are now backtracking can admit they were wrong, so can the American people. Someone he doesn't see President Bush's dwindling approval rating - especially as related to his handing of the "war" - as exactly what he is demanding. We are withdrawing our support. We are recanting our acceptance.

There is another big difference that Kinsley seems to have missed. A politician, a congressman, a senator, a military general or a member of the Bush administration is a person. And a person can apologize, recant, admit wrongdoing and change his or her mind. The apology can be made to the American public. But the American public is not one person with one voice who can possess a single point of view. Does Kinsley expect a couple hundred million apologies? And to whom? How about if instead, we withdraw our support of the war by not approving of the way the administration is handling it? Oh wait, isn't that what we're going?

Kinsley also seems to want to lay a certain amount of blame for the invasion on the American public. He says we supported it at the beginning, so we're responsible for it.

But Mr. Kinsley, we were lied to by people who were supposed to know what they were doing! How may of us could independently check the "facts" we were being fed about weapons of mass destruction, ties between Iraq and terrorists and why we needed to do what the Bush administration was telling us we had to do? We trusted our leaders. Are we supposed to apologize for that?

This is a very misguided commentary from an otherwise excellent columnist. I can't imagine he thought it through very well. But I don't think the American public is the culprit in our current nightmare. I don't think we have anything to apologize for but have every right to expect those who do to quickly make amends.

Marketers Are Idiots - Nexium Edition

Another in the series of "what were they thinking?" ads...this time from AstraZeneca for their anti-acid-reflux medication Nexium. Here's the ad they ran in Time magazine:


Not a bad layout. Interesting photo with easy-to-read text on top of it. Detailed copy below in case it got your attention. Large image of a pill so you know what the ad is for. Good use of the logo - and color. They've actually done a good job of marketing their product as the "purple pill." That's even the URL of their website, www.purplepill.com.

So what's wrong with the ad? Take a closer look at the text superimposed over the photo of the dad climbing the ladder into the treehouse to join his two young sons:


It reads:

Knows they have homework.

Knows they have chores.

Doesn't Know acid reflux may be damaging his esophagus.

HUH?

In the world of advertising non sequiturs, this is one of the most outlandish I've ever seen! Maybe they wanted their readers to turn their heads to the side like a dog that just heard a strange high-pitched noise. But I somehow doubt it. In fact, the two statements that sort of make sense and go with the photo actually don't when you think about it. So that makes the whole ad - the visual - the headline text - everything - totally contrived, and stupid, and the product of marketing idiots.

What goes on in the board room at companies like AstraZeneca? Do they all become brain-dead zombies when the agency presents a concept? Or, more likely, do they take the agency's concept and then give everyone a vote on how best to turn it into meaningless drivel? That would be my guess. But the bottom line, they are marketers and they are idiots!

But do they know they are idiots? Hmmmm...could be an ad concept in there somewhere!

Marketers Are Idiots - Dove Edition

I've noticed that Readers Digest is really skewing "old" in its overall editorial content. I'm sure they've done lots of research and the people who are reading it are the aging baby boomers, so it seems they are filling their niche and doing so quite well. Still, it seems the ads are skewing even older than the boomer generation. Take a look at this one that appears in the current issue:


This falls into the "what were they thinking" category quite well. The ad features a "mature" woman who is wearing her hair in a style you would typically find on someone a whole lot younger. But because this woman defiantly refuses to age or fall into any stereotype, she confidently continues to bleach her hair fully blond and wear it long. The very hard-to-read copy says, "try telling her it's too late for full locks." (Didn't anybody tell the people at Dove that large, easy-to-read type is appreciated by people getting older?) Even the name of the product - Dove Pro-Age - feeds into the whole "refuse to get old" theme.

The thing is, the model - and the way she is photographed - looks either like a guy in drag or a woman trying to fool us into thinking she's much younger than she is by wearing a ridiculous wig. In fact, she looks a lot like Rob Schneider when he appeared as a last-minute replacement for Lindsay Lohan on a recent Tonight Show!


At the very least, if they feel they need to buy into this stupid "I refuse to age" game, the should have hired a model who doesn't look like a professional female wrestler and them fem her up with "full locks." One thing I can guarantee you, this ad was created by defiant women who dare anyone to say anything negative about anything they do, but approved by men who are as clueless as can be!

Thank you Dove for proving once again that marketers are idiots!

Why Bush Will Never Capture bin Laden

An article appeared on Digg today from democraticunderground.com. It outlines how three generations of the Bush dynasty have had intimate ties with the bin Laden family of Saudi Arabia. I knew most of the details that appear in the article already, but it's still shocking to me every time I read about it again.

It's time for America to stop being so gullible and start demanding some accountability. And it's time for Congress to start doing its job.

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