Money is All that Matters to Time's Dan Kadlec

I have been reading Time Magazine for (gulp) over 30 years. Obviously I enjoy it and find it a very worthwhile part of my week. It makes time (no pun intended) on the exercise bike fly by. And it keeps me informed about what's going on in this wacky world.

One of their writers is a man named Dan Kadlec. Mostly he seems to write about business and money...really boring stuff like investing and bonds and banking. I often skim instead of read his columns, because they are total yawn-offs to me and there's not much he can do to make the topics interesting.

I also hold a grudge against this writer. In 1999 he wrote an article critical of Tim Forneris, a groundskeeper at Busch Stadium in St. Louis who managed to grab Mark McGwire's homerun #62 baseball. Mr. Forneris, pictured at left, returned the ball to McGwire, and Kadlec ripped him a new one in his column. He used it to somehow point out the "grave errors" we all make in everyday money matters. Kind of a stretch, and actually pretty lame. He went so far as to call them "personal finance sins." Sins? As in the kinds of things for which you are punished in perpetuity after you die? Come on!

The thing is, Kadlec obviously places the importance of money above all other things. He certainly is no baseball fan and has no comprehension of how sacred certain things like record-setting memorabilia can be - beyond their dollar value alone. Clueless.

Well, Kadlec has done it again! In the April 2, 2007 issue of Time he has an article in the Life After Work section about not loaning money to relatives or friends. Once again, he has demonstrated his attitude that hanging on to one's wealth is more important than anything else you can do in life. He says 14% of personal loans end up in default. Doesn't that also mean that 86% don't!?!? I hate such an obvious attempt at statistical manipulation. He goes on to add that with proper documentation, the default rate drops to 5%. So why his strong cautions against helping out a relative in need?

Mr. Kadlec, despite your obvious greed and money-grubbing ways, there are many, many things in life that are much more important than cash. Baseball and family are two of them. But you will never understand this. I'm sure you are probably quite well off, because most money-obsessed people with your narrow, warped view of life manage to build up bank and brokerage accounts to impressive levels. When you die, we can all marvel at how frugal you were and how big the numbers in your accounts are. Maybe you'll have some relatives to whom you can leave your wealth, but that would be a mistake wouldn't it? I mean, you should at least expect 10% interest, right?

Tell you what, we'll just put it all in a plastic bag and bury it with you. Maybe the money will come in handy when it comes time to pay for your life's sins.

Marketers Are Idiots - Boniva Edition

I can't believe the makers of Boniva (GlaxoSmithKline and Roche Pharmaceuticals) are still running the television commercial in which their spokesperson, Sally Field, actually says, without flinching at the ludicrousness of it:

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about osteoporosis and she has to set aside time one morning a week to take her pill..."

Yep, she has to find 10 seconds EVERY WEEK to take her pill! Not Sally...no time for that! She takes once-a-month Boniva, thereby saving at least 30 seconds a month for other, much more important activities.

How stupid do they think the American public is? Obviously extremely! Because they have been running this commercial for quite some time, and apparently no one has caught on to just how inane this "special feature" of their product is. How do these people stand to look at themselves in the mirror each morning? How desperate must Ms. Field be to treat us like we're stupid sheep willing to do whatever a celebrity says? No, Sally, we no longer like you. We really, really, really don't like you!

What's more, the makers of Boniva are being sued by Proctor & Gamble, which is saying GSK's claims to Boniva's effectiveness are false! Maybe setting aside time to take a pill one day a week isn't so bad after all!

Nancy Grace is Back - Anna Nicole Still Dead!

What is her obsession with Anna Nicole Smith - and why does CNN allow it?

I guess the shootings at Virginia Tech didn't hold her interest. Of course she's going to stay clear of any further comments on the Duke lacrosse team rape case since she did her best to convict these boys with no knowledge of or insights into the situation. The war in Iraq is probably way too complicated for her to understand, so it's back to Anna Nicole.

Tonight's "breaking news" - the baby is set to leave the Bahamas! Yep, breaking news all right! Gripping. Important. Worthy of this fine television investigative journalist's probing of peripheral experts who don't know anything at all about what's really going on. But idle speculation is what Nancy Grace is all about. And appealing to someone's (although I can't image who watches this tripe) prurient interests. Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that pornography?

I just wish someone at CNN was smart enough - or had enough integrity - to put an end to this absurdity - to put an end to Nancy Grace!

Even Laura is Now a Liability

I used to think that there must be something good, something redeeming about George W. Bush for his incredible wife to have married him, stayed with him and supported him for all these years. Kind of the old "silver lining" cliche, if you know what I mean.

Well, her recent comments on NBC's Today Show about how much the President is suffering because of our involvement in Iraq has completly destroyed this theory. She's just clueless. Another mindless puppet, just like her husband. Her comments were probably even scripted and I wouldn't be surprised if she was fed the questions ahead of time. Pathetic. We should have done something about this sorry episode in American history a long time ago.

If you want to watch her lame attempt to make us think her husband has any humanity, click here.

Marketing Automobiles in the 00s

I just saw a TV commercial for the 2007 Nissan Sentra. Actually it was two :15-second commercials back to back.

Obviously this car is meant to appeal to a very young crowd, most likely first-time car-buyers in their twenties. This first commercial featured a guy with a big red electric guitar rambling something about his lifestyle and how well this car "fits" into it. The only two features of the car that are presented in this ad are it's secret compartment, which is a perfect place for him to hide his guitar, and the fact that it's got a jack to plug in your iPod so you can listen to you own music when you drive.

That's it! No safety features. No fuel economy. Not even the low price. It's got a place to carry your guitar and you can plug in your MP3 player! Hurry - get to your Nissan dealer today!

The second commercial features a young woman who is enrolled in fashion design school. Again, this car "fits" her lifestyle so perfectly because it's got built-in bluetooth connectivity and a little extra shelf in the glove compartment for her to store her pure white laptop computer. (Most certainly a Mac!) Once again, no other features are highlighted, so I guess a car that lets you store your computer and use it wirelessly it what it's all about today.

I would bet Nissan is selling a lot of these cars and I suppose study groups and research have proven this is the way to market them. It just strikes me as odd what young people are looking for in a car today. Just wait ten years. They'll be surprised how drastically their priorities will have changed.

Marketers Are Idiots - Rice Krispies Edition

I just saw the most horrible TV commercial! It features two African American actresses portraying a mother and young daughter. They are in a nice kitchen and they are having breakfast. The little girl says something about "being the mom" and they pour some cereal and milk in a bowl, all the while laughing about some inside joke...it's not apparent to me what.

The spot is in black and white, except for the cereal box and the cereal in the bowl. This is such a contrived technique, I don't really know why they are doing it - unless the folks at Rice Krispies are just plain blatant racists.

You see, the differences between white people and black people are totally minimized when you take the color out of the photography. This is obvious. So by casting African American actors, Rice Krispies can claim they are color blind. But by taking the color out of the commercial, they totally undo this lame attempt at being a modern, liberated, equal-opportunity marketer.

It's also very apparent that there is no "dad" in the commercial. Despite her nice, middle-American kitchen, the mom is obviously raising her daughter on her own. I can only image the discussions this created at the ad agency and in the halls of Kellogg's corporate headquarters. What a disgusting stereotype!

Lastly, and this is the main reason this commercial totally sucks, they end the commercial with "Happy Mother's Day." What the hell does does eating a breakfast of Rice Krispies have to do with Mother's Day? A bit of a pathetic stretch, wouldn't you say? Poor Kellogg's must be feeling left out of this "holiday" so they spent a ton of money to run a racist, ineffective television commercial in prime time.

And, oh yeah, what about "Snap, Crackle, Pop"? This is only one of the oldest and most recognizeable brand icons in the world. Why abandon what everyone things of when you mention your product's name? This is just stupid. Most marketers would kill to obtain this level of universal brand recognition. Can't you hear the tune in your head? "Snap, Crackle, Pop - Rice Krispies!"

Yes, marketers are idiots. Especially cereal marketers in Battle Creek.

Another Reason Banks Suck

If your bank is like mine, they are constantly suggesting you dispense with a printed monthly statement and start receiving it electronically. Plus they encourage you to use their online bill-paying service and sign up for electronic notices of when bills are due. Yes, this cuts down on paper and postage, which also helps them cut their costs. When you multiply the small savings per customer by the total number of customers, their savings can be substantial. They try to sell this to you as a convenience, but the reality is they are looking to maximize profits.

So how come when you accidentially overdraw your checking account they send you a postcard in the mail?

Wouldn't it be much simpler, faster - and cheaper - to send you an e-mail? Or give you the option of receiving a text message on your cell phone. Or even a phone call?

Yes, except if you are charged a fee as is the case with most banks, in the time it takes to mail you a postcard you can easily overdraw your account several more times and be charged several more fees. Obvious, huh?

I seriously doubt I'm the only person who sees through this sham, but I'm sure they have policies and regulations that protect them at our expense and require an overdraft notice to be delivered in this way.

Yet another reason - and there are many - banks suck.

Stuff That Bugs Me - Liberty Tax Service Edition

I was in a mall recently. It was annual "tax time" - leading up to the IRS's deadline for filing. I saw this sign and something about it really bugged me:


You see, the convention in America is to put the dollar sign in FRONT of the number - not after it. I'm sure they were thinking they want people to read this sign as, "Twenty five dollars off with any mall receipt," so they put the dollar sign after the number.

The thing is, that's how we read it anyway, with the dollar sign put correctly in front of the number. "$25 Off" is read "twenty five dollars off." No one would say, "Dollars twenty five" when he or she sees "$25."

So by breaking with standard convention, in my opinion at least, the sign just makes them look stupid. I know I need to get a life, but this bugs they heck out of me because they probably think they did nothing wrong. OK, it's harmless - but it's wrong!

More importantly, I can't imagine anyone would decide where to have his or her taxes done based upon saving dollars twenty five with a mall receipt anyway, so not only is the sign stupid - the whole promotional idea is too!

What's Wrong with Saturday Night Live

I've been watching Saturday Night Live ever since I accidentally "discovered" it one weekend over three decades ago (!) while desperately search for something to watch on TV. What drew me to it was how different it was - so unlike anything else on TV at the time. I loved how risky and bold it was. I loved the ensemble cast. I loved the improv feeling of the show. And it was LIVE! How dangerous is that?

I've continued to watch regularly for over 30 years. No, not every episode every Saturday night - but probably most of them. Even when the show really, really sucked, which it has over the years.

I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with the show. It's been so flat and predictable for quite some time. And actually, I think that is the problem. It used to be so iconoclastic. They didn't constrain themselves. But after 31 years it has become its own institution. It is now exactly what it countered in the early days. For example, watch any episode from the past 10 years or more and you will see this identical structure:

1. Opening sketch - probably political and way too long. Always ends with a complete non sequitur of somebody saying, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

2. Jazzy opening credits showing current cast members out and about in NYC. Alphabetical by last name. Don Pardo announcing each name.

3. Pardo saying, "...and your host, [NAME]...pause...Ladies and Gentlemen, [NAME]."

4. Host is probably an actor with a movie to plug, a former cast member or one of the "safe" hosts that show up regularly (Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, etc.)

5. Weekend update always happens at midnight.

6. Musical guest always appears twice and is always the last segment of the show.

7. Host appears on stage with cast and musical guest to thank everyone and tell us what a great time he or she had.

This NEVER varies...not one bit. And I think the predictability of the show is really harming it. As a result, SNL is now tame and expected. No edge, nothing unexpected. Nobody talks about it any more...at least not in the old "Hey, did you see SNL this week!" kind of way.

The cause is, to me, very obvious. The show is run dictatorially by one man, Lorne Michaels. Yes, he created it and yes, it belongs to him. But a live television show needs to have a spark of spontaneity to it. You need to feel that at any point something totally unexpected could happen. It was never better than when Andy Kaufman was around to shake things up. But Michaels hated him and banned him from the show. Now you can set you watch to the way the show unfolds each week.

Regrettably Saturday Night Live seems to be on life support.

Open Message to News Media

News stores do not end with a question mark!

News - by definition - is what happened. Yes you need to ask questions to find this out, but when you report on it you reports the FACTS - not questions. So just cut the crap!

Don't ask if Cho bought his guns illegally. Find out and tell us!

Don't ask if the pet food was purposely spiked. Find out and tell us!

Don't ask what's next for Sanjaya. Find out and...uh, never mind!

If you don't have the answer, you don't have a story. So stop pretending to be journalists and do your jobs!

Marketers Are Idiots - Avis Edition

I can only wonder what they were thinking at Avis's advertising agency or in the boardroom when the company's managers got to see their new campaign promoting iTunes downloads as a premium for renting from them.

"OK, this black guy approaches the counter, opens his mouth, and 'I Wanna Rock' come blaring out!"

And the poor guy behind the counter just looks dumbfounded until he's rescued by a female co-worker who opens HER mouth and...."

Didn't anybody jump up and yell, "LAME!"

What makes this incredibly stupid is how these people are, I guess, supposed to be living music players of some sort. I don't know...are they radios? MP3 players? Oh, maybe they're iPods! But...why? And what does music coming out of their mouth have to do with him renting a car and her explaining where it's parked? Totally stupid. Actually embarrassing.

I also don't get the idea of offering iTunes downloads for rentals. It's nice, and I am an Avis customer who enjoys getting this little reward for renting. But you've got to be at least 25 years old to rent a car. That cuts out a lot of people who own iPods and download from iTunes. It seems they could have come up with something that fits their demographic a bit better.

Remember a syndicated series of television commercials a few years ago for radio station? They featured an incredibly attractive woman who lip-synced a rapid montage of music and DJ banter. It was so perfect. Completely in sync and actually totally believable. It ended with an announcer saying, "You have an incredible mouth." And she responds with, "We have an incredible radio station." The only problem was you never had any idea which station it was promoting because the technique completely overpowered the message. At at least one station in every major market used it at one time or another.

Nevertheless, Avis should go back and watch these commercials to see how effective unexpected sounds coming out of someone's mouth in a TV commercial can be. This one, where they just stupidly gape at one another while music comes from somewhere, is pathetic. Come on, Avid...please try harder!

If you want to watch the whole thing, it's available on YouTube. Prepare to cringe.

The ONLY Good Thing About Today's News

Somebody went totally insane today and killed 32 people at Virginia Tech. Of course it's horrible and almost impossible to express in words how shocking this tragedy is.

As expected, the news media is having a field day. They continually amaze me at how insipid and lame they can be. CBS Morning News is sending Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira to Blacksburg, VA tomorrow to broadcast "live" from the scene. What the hell for? What can they possibly tell us by being there that we won't learn from legitimate sources? This is insulting to the families of the victims. Like rushing to the scene of a traffic accident to look for blood and severed limbs. Pathetic.

Wolf Blitzer on CNN was interviewing the student who happened to be outside a building where gunfire was heard and recorded some video on his cell phone. Of course the kid had nothing to offer or any insights, but Blitzer wouldn't let go. He actually asked him if he could identify the source of the 27 shots (yes, CNN counted them) heard on the video. I wish the student had sarcastically answered that "yes, shots 5, 8, 14 and 23 were definitely from a police-issue Glock 9mm semi-auto, and shots 2, 3, 9 and 20 seemed to have the acoustic signature of an AK47 in burst mode." But he was too polite and respectful.

The local news stations have been putting little banners on the bottom of the screen all night promoting the fact that they will have "complete coverage and the latest details" on the 11 o'clock news. At some point our news media decided blind speculation is no different than hard news. They're idiots who pander to the ignorant. For the next two weeks we're going to see special after special and be subjected to expert after expert, all of whom have no clue what really happened or why. Once the killer is identified, we will see interviews with his second-grade teacher and everyone who ever served him a meal or sold him a postage stamp.

The only good that has come of this entire, sad incident is that no one, not one single reporter, not one blowhard talking head, not one network anchor has today said anything about Anna Nicole Smith!

I guess even the darkest cloud does have a silver lining.

The Terrorists Have Won

I took my son to Reagan National Airport in Washington, D.C. this past weekend to catch a flight home. Because it's Spring Break in a lot of places, my options were pretty limited and I ended up having to book him on a flight that left at 6:35 on a Saturday morning.

We entered the parking lot at 5:07 a.m. - a full 90 minutes early. The airport terminal was packed! Our carrier's line had about 60 people waiting to check in. All of three agents were working, and quite honestly they were doing their best to keep things moving. Finally we got his bag checked, received his boarding pass and my security pass so I could accompany him to the gate. It was now a few minutes before 6:00, and the fun was only starting!

The security line was easily 250-people long, split into three rows. After 20 minutes we had hardly moved and all I could think is how the terrorists who attacked our country almost six years ago have won. We're terrified! We have given up so many of our freedoms and put up with this ridiculous process at our airports because we are so scared they will do it again. This is the exact definition of terror.

I wanted to step out of line, turn to the crowd and ask, "Is anyone here a terrorist? Does anyone here have a bomb? Are any of you planning on crashing an airplane today?" Looking at all the families, elderly couples, college students and business people it was obvious to me what the answer would be. But no one was complaining. We're too terrified to complain.

So we accept the TSA carefully scrutinizing everyone's shoes and shampoo to make sure we are "safe." I supposed one of the reasons we don't complain is our fear they will pull you aside and subject you to "extra scrutiny" just to make sure you're not harboring some evil intention that involves spending time with a whole bunch of virgins in the afterlife.

It's absurd.

We got to the gate about two minutes before the scheduled departure. Our security line was held up because of a woman who had more than the allowed three ounces of toothpaste in her clear plastic bag, and it took three TSA officials to sort it all out and explain why she couldn't take that much Crest with her. Of course the line came to a complete stop while all of this was going on. Everyone's terror started to shift to "What am I going to do if I miss my flight?"

At the gate one of the last passengers to arrive was a nicely dressed, middle-aged woman who was carrying her shoes in her hands. She looked very flustered and frustrated. She approached the gate attendant with her boarding pass and said, "This is ridiculous. I shouldn't have to run through the airport with my shoes in my hands just to catch a flight. I arrived in plenty of time this morning, and here I am running barefoot!" She's absolutely right.

My son's flight took off about three minutes late. I exited the parking lot at 7:02 - just shy of two hours after our arrival. We had stood in lines for close to 75 minutes just to check his bag and pass through security. Time that I had hoped we could have had a nice discussion and said an extended goodbye. Instead I rushed him onto the airplane and said a hasty, "Be good. I'll miss you." and off he went.

This system sucks. The terrorists have won.

Home Movies Are Dead

I went to the National Aquarium in Baltimore today. That's apparently the name of the place. Not the "National Aquarium" which is located in Baltimore. But its name is the "National Aquarium in Baltimore." This is silly use of the language, but good marketing. But I'm already digressing.

It was very crowded, but an incredibly cool place to spend a day. Expensive, but mostly worth it. There were lots of little kids there today, possibly because it's Spring Break in many places, and the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington, D.C. starts this weekend.

Anyway, that's not what this post is about.

At one point I observed a man with a video camera. He was shooting his young son looking at some sharks swimming by in the main aquarium tank. The little boy looked all of three or four years old. After shooting a few seconds, the man stopped and quickly moved around to the other side of his son. Yes, he was setting up the "reverse angle" as it's called. Not only that, he fed his son a line of dialogue to say about the sharks. Something like, "They're really big. I hope one of them doesn't try to eat me!"

As if this whole thing wasn't ridiculous enough, when he raised the camera back to his eye, he said to his son, "Aaaaand....ACTION!"

I didn't make this up. It really happened. The video generation has gone insane. Home movies are dead!

Doritos Is At It Again!

I just saw a TV commercial for Doritos. I pretty much couldn't believe my eyes. It was some overly produced animated "fight" between two new flavors of Doritos chips. "Only one will survive!", it claimed. And then it encouraged the viewer to go to Doritos' website to vote for your favorite.

So I went there. (You can too if you truly have nothing better to do...click here.) They call it "Snack Strong Productions" - whatever that's supposed to mean. You need to create a screen name and an account in order to fight for your favorite flavor. They encourage you to make your name funny, but keep it clean. Such pressure! So I created an account and was presented with an option to fight with Wild White Nacho or Smokin' Cheddar BBQ. I picked Smokin' Cheddar BBQ and got ready to "Fight for the Flavor."

I can't believe how lame it got after this - if that's at all possible. You are matched against another "fighter" (there were 54 people logged on when I made my visit) and you fight another bag of Doritos. Yes, you are one bag - your opponent is the other - and you kick and punch each other until one runs out of energy. It's Mortal Kombat with Doritos bags! Instead of blood, occasionally some chips fly across the screen. My opponent - Baglady - kicked my butt because she pinned me up against the ropes and wouldn't let me move.

This is one of the stupidest, most pathetic attempts and marketing that I think I have ever seen. Who the hell cares if one flavor of Doritos "survives" and another is killed because people go online and "fight" one another. Isn't the idea to get people to BUY Doritos? How does this translate into an online fighting game with bags of chips duking it out? Yeah, I know - "viral marketing", right? Where everyone talks about this cool stuff you can do at the Doritos website?

Sorry...it's just plain lame. But I really, really, really hope Smokin' Cheddar BBQ wins!