I Want My 88 (+ 20) Minutes Back

There was absolutely nothing worth watching on TV tonight, so I opted to spend $3.99 on a pay-per-view movie that looked interesting - 88 Minutes - starring a pretty good list of talented actors: Leelee Sobieski, Amy Brenneman, Neal McDonough and of course, Al Pacino.

What a horrid trainwreck of a movie pretending to be a major film release! One of the worst I have ever seen.

There are plenty of scathing reviews on IMDB about this film, so I'm not going to rehash the random plot and complete lack of coherent continuity. I just wonder what goes through the minds of supposedly talented people when they read the script (if there was one) and then actually try to put these scenes onto film. I guess a lot of the blame goes to the director, Jon Avnet. He's been around a while, mostly as a TV producer and director, but with a fairly decent list of credentials and credits. He must have forcefully avoided exhibiting any talent when directing this turkey. How could he have NOT seen what he was doing?

The totally goofy thing about this movie is how quickly it jumps from one dead-end plot device to the next. And someone's cell phone rings at least twice in every scene. It's almost as if they realized they had absolutely nothing going for them here, and decided to just try and divert the audience from following too closely. Everyone zips around from place to place with no particular reason, takes a few cell phone calls and then introduces a new suspect when it was obvious to me from almost the start who the bad guy really was. The scene in which Pacino almost gets run over by a firetruck is nothing but laughable.

Also laughable - but in a sad, sorry way - is what they do to Amy Brenneman's character. She is the ultra-efficient, absolutely perfect personal assistant to Pacino's character. Of course her fatal flaw - and the one that makes the whole plot fiasco possible - is that she is gay and allowed herself to be seduced by the psychopathic female killer. Of course! While they nap after wild sex in Pacino's office, the baddie is able to get everything necessary to torment Pacino. And when she comes clean to Pacino and admits what she's done, she begs for forgiveness. Pacino's response has got to go down as one of the worst lines ever in modern American cinema:

If I couldn't forgive you, I wouldn't deserve you.

GAG!

Whenever I watch a movie I truly hope it's going to be outstanding, and I go into it hoping upon hope that it will be thoroughly entertaining. I don't approach films cynically or looking for flaws, which is why it makes me so angry when something like this gets released. It's insulting.

The film's running time is 108 minutes. I kind of expected them to do a High Noon and make the length the same at the title and do it in real time. If they had just cut out a few of the cell phone red herring calls, they probably could have gotten rid of 20 minutes and made it 88. Might even have improved it!

I hope you don't get suckered into paying money to watch this mess. Everyone involved should issue an apology and promise never again to waste our time - or theirs - with such trash.

SNL Fails - Again

I've criticized Saturday Night Live for what NBC and Lorne Michaels have allowed it to become - safe and formulaic. Each week it's the exact same words, the same order, the same segments at the exact same time. The show broke ground 30 years ago with how new and different it was. It shattered stereotypes. People called it "iconoclastic." Now its a formula that the powers that be seem to be afraid to break. Lately they won't even experiment with something fresh.

This was completely evident in last night's show (11/15/2008) in which Justin Timberlake made an appearance during Weekend Update. He was there saying something about being scheduled to be both the host and musical guest next week, but he has to cancel. So he was going to recap the show that would have been. He nailed it! He did the intro, the monologue, the "we've got a great show" line and everything in between to the "I had a great time" closing. Obviously he and some of the writers are aware of what a formula they have become. In around three minutes, Timberlake did an entire episode of the stale show Saturday Night Live has become. He was very funny and it was the highlight of the show. The clip is available on Hulu. Click here to watch it.



But the main reason I tuned in last night was because of all the non-stop hype this week about the show hiring two new cast members. With Amy Poehler out on maternity leave, apparently Michaels decided he needed a fill-in. Since he must feel Poehler's part would be extremely hard to replace, SNL went with two actresses instead of just one. And the NBC PR people outdid themselves with getting this story placed everywhere.

The two new cast members, Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins, are apparently God's gift to comedy. Incredible credentials and even a direct connection to Poehler - as if comedy skills somehow rub off from one actor to another. Abby Elliott got the greater share of the hype because she's the daughter of former cast member Chris Elliott and the granddaughter of Bob Elliott of the Bob and Ray comedy team. Apparently she's great with impressions and her flaming red hair invites comparisons to Lucy. According to the press reports, Abby Elliott was going to take SNL to new height of hilarity!

So I watched...and watched...and watched...

I think I saw Watkins as a background extra in a skit about two firefighters trying to talk a suicide jumper down from a building. Maybe.

And Elliott did appear. She was the slate girl in a pretty funny sketch where three male backup dancers mess up a Beyonce music video. She steps in front of the camera with a marker slate and says:

Beyonce Single Ladies music video - take one.

They dance...Beyonce stops the filming. They talk. Elliott comes on again:

Beyonce Single Ladies music video - take two.

They dance...Beyonce stops the filming. They talk. Elliott comes on again:

Beyonce Single Ladies music video - take three.
They dance...Beyonce stops the filming They talk. End.

Wow...they sure put the incredible comedic talents of Abby Elliott to good use. So funny!

Once again, the hype and expectations that Saturday Night Live built up were totally undelivered. I certainly don't blame Elliott or Watkins, but if I was either of them I would be seriously wondering just what the heck NBC and SNL are up to. With all of the publicity, this should have been their moment to shine - to show America what they can do - to make us laugh. Something SNL has seemingly really forgotten how to do. Hey, but at least they aren't breaking format.

Megyn Kelly Crosses the Line - Again

Josh Orton has an article on The Huffington Post today dealing with the ongoing effort by rational, intelligent people to finally expose the Fox News Network as the horribly biased mouthpiece for right-wing extremism that it has become. It focuses on an "interview" - if you could call it that - conducted by the poster child for conservative intolerance, Megyn Kelly with Obama spokesman Bill Burton.

I'm still at a loss as to what Kelly's job is with the network. I was under the impression she wants to be considered a journalist, but that would require an unbiased approach to the major issues of the day in an attempt to get to the truth. Kelly has no desire to find truth other than her own warped take on it. And her interview with Burton demonstrates that she is more interested in becoming the female Bill O'Reilly. It is so obvious that her purpose here is to blindly support the bias put forth by Fox and her "style" is to talk louder than the guest. Like most of the pompous morons given airtime on Fox (Sean Hannity foremost among them), her technique is to not let the subject of the interview get a word in edgewise. She is quick to jump all over Burton if he tries to respond to her next falsehood, but let him try to make a point and she interrupts him repeatedly in her screechy, horribly bitchy tone that tends to make one's ears bleed.

I'm still convinced this woman's career is based upon the sexual favors she must provide the degenerates who run Fox, because there is absolutely no reason for her annoying, ignorant opinions to be expressed in any public forum.

Here's the video of this one-sided interview in which she desperately tries to defend her employer, and fails miserably.

Desperate Marketing Morons - Sears Edition

As much as I hate to admit it, I was poking around Yahoo Answers today. They run a whole bunch of advertisements on the site that most people totally ignore. In fact, I'm sure if you asked 100 people - 99 of them wouldn't even know there are ads there - much less what any of them might say.

Well I happened to notice one that is just about the lamest, desperate attempt at marketing that I have ever seen. It's for Craftsman Tools, which is the in-house brand for Sears.

It starts with some animation in which people's faces appear. One guy has something odd on his nose and another is of a woman with a couple of red devil horns. It ends up with the ad on the right called "Share a Scare." It offers you the opportunity to "customize your very own Craftsman Halloween character to email friends and family." HUH?

Let's go back to the advertising boardroom at Sears for a moment. Someone has an idea. We'll let people upload a picture of someone's face and put in onto a body made up of Craftsman tools. We'll make it really, really spooky and then let them email the finished creature to everyone in the world! Of course this will make them want to run out immediately and buy a whole bunch of Craftsman tools.

Someone actually approved this idea and then authorized spending a lot of money to make it happen. Of course it self destructs on October 31st, but more importantly, how in the world is this going to help sell tools? Are the kids who might (highly unlikely) find this appealing in their demographic of quality tool buyers and users?

Good grief! This is not only a lame idea in and of itself, but it is so off the mark that it should have been laughed out of existence instead of actually seeing the light of day. I can only assume the marketers at Sears and the Craftsman division are so desperate that they are willing to try anything.

I'd be real interested to see how many people actually went to the site and spent the time to construct a "Craftsman character" to email to family and friends. If there are more than 10 I'd be very surprised. So sad. Just so you know, this is the what the really cool finished product looks like. It even speaks and says, "There's a little Craftsman in all of us." Impressed?

Marketers Are Morons - Cox Communications Edition

TV advertising just keeps getting worse and worse. My current nominee for populating their marketing department with total morons is Cox Communications.

Like every other cable company, they are pushing their bundle of services. In the commercial that is currently running there is some lug who tells us it's his anniversary and he bought his wife new phone service. OK, this is totally lame and the people at Cox know it. So he addresses the stupidity of doing such a thing and says he knows it's outlandish and makes him look like a cold-hearted bastard.

Now if they had stayed here and played this with a tongue-in-cheek irony, it might have been OK. Play up the fact that they are fully aware they are suggesting something that no one in their right mind would really do. But they don't. He completely defends his "gift" because it makes so much sense. At this point the commercial becomes totally sexist and sets back the women's movement 40 years.

First of all, he says he "pays all the bills" so he knows how much they are saving. Obviously his moronic wife - who does nothing in the commercial but talk on the phone - isn't capable of handling any of the family's finances. When they finally do allow her to speak, she excitedly tells us that she has been spending her day calling all her friends to let them know about her wonderful anniversary gift.

What a horrible cliche is being perpetrated here. The husband handles the finances and makes all the important decisions; the woman fritters away her time talking on the phone.

This just completely sucks and the people at Cox Communications should be ashamed of themselves. Any woman who watches this commercial should immediately cancel any services she buys from Cox - or as Cox would portray it, have her husband cancel them because she's probably not capable of doing it herself.

Clueless.

Sharapova - 20 Bucks for Charity

I happen to like Maria Sharapova. She's not only gorgeous, she's tall, talented and an incredible athlete. Plus you never hear about her doing stupid stuff and making an idiot of herself like so many sports stars and celebrities do. Maybe that's faint praise, but today it's a pretty good measure of the quality of famous people.

Sharapova was in the news today because she auctioned off a "date" with herself to benefit charity. Cool, huh? A date with this incredible sports babe! Some guy (not her boyfriend, by the way) won it for $10,000. Wow - 10,000 bucks for a date with Maria. Probably going to be worth every penny. Seems low actually. Don't we all wish we had that kind of money?

Then I did a little math. As good-intentioned as this is, it is also rather sad that people with this kind of money are so greedy. Sharapova earns about $26 million a year from tennis and all her many product endorsements. She is the highest paid female athlete in the world. The $10,000 that she raised is equivalent to $19.23 for someone who earns a more typical $50,000 a year. Like I said, good intentions aside, this is rather pathetic.

Now maybe Sharapova makes all sorts of donations to worthwhile causes that we simply don't know about. I hope so. But the publicity that this stunt has been receiving has some huge negative, unintentional consequences. Especially when you consider that she didn't actually donate the money - or match it. All she's doing is spending an hour or two with some rich guy having a talk and a meal.

This has made me miss the generosity and humanity of Paul Newman ever more.

Jay Busbee has written a short article for Yahoo Sports about this. Read it here.

Nancy Pfotenhauer - Another Daughter of the Devil

I'm pretty much to the point where I just ignore anyone from the McCain campaign when he or she appears on TV or is quoted in print. It's not only a bunch of poorly spun lies, but it's the same lies over and over again. (Yes, they are STILL contending that Obama was calling Palin a pig when he used that colloquial expression that John McCain has also been know to use on several occasions.)

But lately it seems more and more the primary conveyor of deceit is Nancy Pfotenhauer. I didn't know anything about this person, but I assumed she was in the same league as Dana Perino, Bush's chief liar.

Well, was I wrong! She is worse...much worse! She is really in a league of her own.

When I searched her name on Google, it was interesting to see that the first eight results involved articles or videos in which it is pointed out just how horrible a person McCain has fronting his campaign to the media. Not one positive reference to her or the work she is doing. After I read the article on Daily Kos, I realized just how much of a spawn of Satan we're really being exposed to here. At the risk of copyright violation, I'm going to lift much of what Daily Kos says about Nancy Mitchell Pfotenhauer.

Those eager to audition as high-profile Republican surrogates could profit from studying the resume of Nancy Pfotenhauer. Indeed, Pfotenhauer's career is a blueprint for advancement through the interconnected world of private equity, right-wing think tanks, and the Republican power elite.

Pfotenhauer began her transit through the sometimes shadowy world of these interlocking nodes of conservative power as a student at George Mason University, studying under Walter Williams. (Williams, by the way, is a favorite substitute host for Rush Limbaugh.) Williams acts as a kind of filter for conservative institutions, seeking out promising acolytes from among his students. At 24, Pftoenhauer leveraged her association with Williams and was appointed part of the transition team for then incoming President George H.W. Bush where she advised on appointments to both the Federal Trade Commission and the Interstate Commerce Commission. Almost immediately, Pfotenhauer became a player in the world of policy-drafting, and moved easily in and out of government, lobbying, and conservative think tanks. Eventually she emerged as the "Washington Director"--read lobbyist--for Koch Industries. In 2001, she moved over to the conservative think tank Independent Women's Forum, and currently directs the conservative think tank Americans for Prosperity Foundation. (These two foundations/think tanks share office space and staff.)

The article then goes on to inform us just how twisted and evil Koch Industries is. I admit I had never heard of them, but their record of environmental abuse is horrifying. And their picture of how America should be run would firmly place us as a wealthy-run oligarchy instead of a democracy.

Pfotenhauer is still intimately tied to Koch Industries and I'm certain she will return there following McCain's defeat in November. She'll be patted on the back by all those in the inner circle of the Power Elite for how she conducted herself and will continue spinning the truth to deceive any and all who will listen.

How does someone become so devoid of values? How can someone exist on this planet without a conscience - and even revel in the fact that she is able to so artfully screw people over? There is some strange, warped psychology going on in America today. Nancy Pfotenhauer is the national poster child or our present insanity.

How is this News?

So the Guinness Book of World Records is releasing their 2009 edition in the next day or two. They get they world's shortest man, He Pingping, and the woman with the longest legs in the world, Svetlana Pankratova to stand on some steps at Trafalgar Square in London. This becomes front-page news on every website in the world and the top story on every television news network.

How? Why? Are we that desperate for a break from wars and politics? Maybe so.

I love how Craig Glenday, and editor with Guinness, says they don't want to turn the promotion for the new edition into a freak show. So in their honorable effort to avoid this, what do they do? Get a couple of freaks to pose with the book so everyone in the world can gawk at them. I especially love the shot of Pingping standing between Pankratova's legs as he does his best to keep eyes forward!

Nice.

Finally - Someone Worse than Ann Coulter

It's taken a while, but I've finally found someone more deserving of my distaste and scorn that Ann Coulter. Lynn Forester de Rothschild is pure, unadulterated, out-of-touch evil incarnate.

I'm simply going to quote the article that appears on CNN's Political Ticker, because it is so obvious to any rational, thinking human being just how deluded this spoiled rich-bitch is.

Be sure to take note of the fact that, despite her wealth, despite her elevated status in the DNC, despite living on two continents and being the CEO of a "holding company" - her main criticism of Barack Obama is that he is "elitist." Say, what? I suspect the truth has more to do with the fact that she is a racist Republican who was pretending to be a Democrat to further her own twisted agenda. Her true nature is now coming out - but does it really deserse a press conference? How many hard-working, "normal" Americans call a press conference to announce a switch in their political affiliations? Elitist? Ya think?

The article in full:

Prominent Clinton backer and DNC member to endorse McCain

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Lynn Forester de Rothschild, a prominent Hillary Clinton supporter and member of the Democratic National Committee’s Platform Committee, will endorse John McCain for president on Wednesday, her spokesman tells CNN.

The announcement will take place at a news conference on Capitol Hill, just blocks away from the DNC headquarters. Forester will “campaign and help him through the election,” the spokesman said of her plans to help the Republican presidential nominee.

Forester was a major donor for Clinton earning her the title as a Hillraiser for helping to raise at least $100,000 for the New York Democratic senator’s failed presidential bid.

In an interview with CNN this summer, Forester did not hide her distaste for eventual Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama.

“This is a hard decision for me personally because frankly I don't like him,” she said of Obama in an interview with CNN’s Joe Johns. “I feel like he is an elitist. I feel like he has not given me reason to trust him.”

Forester is the CEO of EL Rothschild, a holding company with businesses around the world. She is married to international banker Sir Evelyn de Rothschild. Forester is a member of the DNC’s Democrats Abroad chapter and splits her time living in London and New York.

Why isn't what this woman is doing so obvious to everyone? She wanted a woman in the White House. That was more important to her than any party loyalty or even what is best for the country. It is what would have been best for her and her alone. By supporting and getting McCain elected, she insures that Hillary will have another shot in 2012. Of course she doesn't care that the country will be further devastated as a result. She's so rich it doesn't matter. She lives have the time in London with her "Sir" husband anyway. So the heck with America - "I want a woman president and I want to be instrumental in getting her elected so she will appoint me to an important position and insure my place in history!"

Obvious? Apparently not. But definitely worse than Ann Coulter, who spews hate but doesn't do anything to disguise it. Forester de Rothschild hides behind a smokescreen of respectability. But in reality, she's worse.

Republicans are Terrorists

I know I'm probably not the first person to come to this realization, but I really feel the focus needs to be diverted from John McCain and toward his political party. McCain is merely the front man, the most public face of the Republican Party. But he's neither smart enough nor crafty enough to be engineering what the Republican Party is doing to this great country.

I've always had problems criticizing or disrespecting John McCain. What he went through in Viet Nam - right or wrong - was a major sacrifice to our nation. He hasn't been the greatest senator we've ever had, but I think for the most part he did his best to represent Arizona over the past many years. He never was - and certainly isn't now - presidential material. That's why the Republicans are running him. He's old and near the end of his career. He can easily be manipulated and will lie on command. I'm not even sure he can differentiate the truth any longer. He is the Party's sacrificial lamb, since the power elite know fully well there is no chance any Republican is going to be elected in 2008 to go to the White House. So they put forward someone they have no conscience about trashing personally or professionally.

So why are the pushing so hard? Why throw Sarah Palin into the mix? Why lie about the lies and continue to hide behind false patriotism?

Because their goal is to take as much as the vote away from the Democrats as possible so that the opposing Party's victory isn't as overwhelming as it would be otherwise. Therefore it will appear the country is still divided enough that a Republican in 2012 might be viable. But it's worse. In their attempt to do this, their ultimate goal is to keep the country divided, on edge, unhappy and fearful. The want to drag America down so they can offer to step in and build it back up.

Isn't this EXACTLY what a terrorist wants to do?

In their ideological zeal and misguided principles, the Republican Party has become worse than Al-Qaeda. They have resources and techniques that a foreign agent couldn't even imagine controlling. They have a ready-and-willing media to spread their poison and the connections to cover up everything they are doing. But make no mistake, their purpose is to harm America to the point where we think they are its salvation and our saviors.

They are sick, sorry, unstable people who should become the victims of their own system. We need a detention center for Republicans. We must take back - and keep - this country in the next election. I only wish we could somehow prosecute everyone in McCain's campaign and demonstrate to his deluded supporters just how wrong they are.

Maybe these two articles will help, but I doubt it. Blindness - especially the mental type - is almost impossible to heal. Especially with facts and knowledge, since most Republicans base their allegiance to the Party on hatred.

Richard Cohen, The Ugly New McCain, Washington Post - click here.

Count the Lies, McCainpedia - click here.

Marketers Are Morons - M and Ms Edition

I was reading my Time magazine the other day and came across a very odd ad right near the front - premium (read expensive) placement! It wasn't for the typical type of product you see advertised in this serious news publication. It was for, of all things, M&Ms candy.

But there is something strange about it and I had to look closer to figure out what it was. You see, the Mars candy company is promoting its little melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand candies as a corporate gift through its MY M&Ms program. Well, OK, M&Ms as a gift seems OK to me under most circumstances, but in this context?

Imagine if you just got promoted to vice president, as the ad suggests, and your company honored the occasion with a jar of M&Ms with the company logo on them? Is this really befitting your accomplishment? I think it's kind of cheap and demeaning to tell you the truth. What could you possibly say?

But there is so much more wrong with this ad.

First of all, the colors. Orange sunburst and deep blue? What is that all about? The M&Ms shown in the ad match - orange, blue and white. Seriously NOT your typical M&Ms colors, but maybe that's the point.

Next, the photo shows a tall, older white woman dressed in red - obviously "the boss" - congratulating an Asian woman who is standing next to an Hispanic woman who is near two hot studly white guys. Wait a minute! Where's the black person? All companies and all ad agencies ALWAYS include a black person to prove they aren't racist! Hmmm, could Mars, Incorporated be telling us something here? And if the whole idea is to give an employee some personalized M&Ms for a job well done, where are the M&Ms in the photo?

It appears this ad was either not thought through at all - of they over-thought it. Either way, it's artificial and just plain bad.

Lastly, Mars needs to take a punctuation lesson. You don't form plurals with an apostrophe. Now I know some people say when it's confusing and the "word" is actually letters (ABC, ICBM, M&M, etc.) that you use an apostrophe for the plural. But I don't think that "M&Ms" is confusing - although I admit m&ms is. But they aren't consistent with their usage, so I'm going to fault them. Just use M&Ms all the time and I won't complain any further.

I suspect what is really at work here is typical marketing cluelessness in the halls at Mars, Incorporated. A few years ago someone came up with a way to print things other than little letter "m"s on their candies. Of course nobody really cares because these are good to eat, not pieces of art. You grab a handful, throw them in your mouth and swallow. You don't stop to admire them and you couldn't care less what color it is or what it says on it.

But the powers that be want their investment to earn some payback, so they push the poor marketing managers to sell more personalized M&Ms. But...but...but...so they got with the advertising agency and came up with this horrible idea and are now spending millions of dollars to try and convince people to do it. But corporate America isn't that dumb. They aren't going to turn logoed M&Ms into the next big thing in corporate giving. Sorry...you ARE clueless and just making matters worse in the recoup-your-investment department.

"Congratulations, Bob, you've just been promoted to vice president of worldwide sales! Here's a jar of blue M&Ms with our logo on them as a token of our appreciation."

It's actually kind of funny if it wasn't exactly what the marketing idiots at Mars are hoping to make happen.

Gibson Pwned by Palin

Much hype was spewed about ABC World News scoring the first full interview with Sarah Palin following her nomination as John McCain's vice presidential running mate. They chose long-time anchor Charles Gibson to go to Alaska and interview the governor one-on-one.

Big mistake.

Everyone loves Charles Gibson - or Charlie as he was known for the 19 years he appeared on Good Morning America. I do too. It's impossible not to appreciate his longevity, his sincerity and his integrity. But his interview skills - at least in this circumstance - fell way short of what we needed in this important first meeting of Sarah Palin with the American media.

First of all, for some reason, he totally swallowed his voice and spoke in an almost inaudible whisper. He tipped his head way down, pulled his reading glasses down to the tip of his nose, and just looked totally uncomfortable and out of his element. How strange for someone who has been in this business for such a long time.

But worse was the manner in which he questioned Palin. It's almost as if he had never interviewed a politician before and didn't know what to expect. He kept asking - actually demanding - a "yes" or "no" from Palin on questions that really do not have that simple of an answer. He should have known better. I don't blame Palin for being a bit frustrated by his repetition of questions that she had already answered to the best of her ability. True, she didn't say "yes" or "no" but a detailed question about a hypothetical world situation cannot be answered this way. He looked foolish.

Palin did not waver. She maintained her cool, called him "Charlie" and stood by her answers. Gibson eventually had to back off because it was obvious he was not going to win.

I hope the next few interviews go better, but Gibson did a horrible job on the first of these sessions. ABC put a lot of trust in him, and rightly so, but so far it has been severely misplaced. I'm very disappointed.

The Fate of Dana Perino

I found myself wondering the other day about the fate of White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. Her days as the Bush Administration's designated liar are numbered, and I wonder what someone like this with no morals and no ethical compass will do for the rest of her life. After all, she's only 36 years old and has already dug a career pit for herself that I doubt she'll ever be able to crawl out of.

I think it's interesting to take a quick look at her two predecessors. First there was Scot McClellan. He lasted about three years before, as he says, his conscience got the better of him and he resigned. Right now he's plugging his tell-all book and hoping to make enough money not to have to ever send out any resumes again. I want to applaud what he's doing, but I just don't buy it. He was a Bush insider and crony for far too long for me to accept this turnaround in morality. Instead I think he saw the handwriting on the wall and realized there's good chance once they are no longer protected by the Office of the President, most of the members of this gang might well be prosecuted for what they have done to the country and our Constitution. I think he's covering his ass.

Then there was Tony Snow. I really don't know what went through his head. He gave up a very promising career as a respected journalist to become a lying shill for G.W. and Company. I wish I could say he managed to die with the renewed respect of the country and the press corps, but it's just not true. He was a disgrace to his profession and the country. I have no doubt whatsoever that the stress of the job is what made him succumb to colon cancer.

Then there's Ms. Perino. You think maybe she's gotten where she is based upon a few things other than her intellect and ability? Maybe just a little? Like so many others in the Bush Adminstration, Perino is a sacrificial lamb thrown to the wolves. Nobody in the power elite cares what is ultimately going to happen to her. They just wanted someone they thought the press might go a little easier on because she's a woman and she's pretty. Yes, I truly think that's the way they think.

It's pathetic to watch her struggle to match wits with journalists who know what they are talking about and have all the data and facts that she obviously just can't comprehend. So she'll just laugh and smile and try to divert to question to something meaningless instead. I'm truly surprised she hasn't resorted to puffing out her lower lip and telling some insistent reporter that he's being "mean" to her. Boo hoo.

Maybe someone in the corrupt Republican world will give her a job and protect her from the fate that she deserves. Her husband is successful and wealthy (and 18 years older than she is with grandchildren already); he'll probably support her in fine style and ultimately leave her with enough money that she doesn't have to try and be a part of the real world again. He's British, and I wouldn't be suprised if they return to England where no one will know her. I guarantee she will soon be forgotten anyway. The Washington press will certainly say "good riddance" and hope that the next Press Secretary will actually be able to answer a question - and maybe even tell the truth when he or she does so.

I suppose I have the same hope.

New Marketing Sense at Applebee's

It seems the marketing group at Applebee's has wised up. For far too long their advertising campaign was focused on a dancing apple that had the voice of Wanda Sykes doing ludicrous things like giving a television crew for a tour of its home. It's one of the stupidest, clueless attempts at engaging customers that I have ever seen.

Well it looks like they may have finally wised up and dumped this campaign. I sure hope so. I just saw a new commercial that is pretty forgetable in terms of overall content, but shines for an excellent line of copy.

"Not just Tuesdays or Fridays but every day at Applebee's."

This is excellent in both its top-level branding communication and also its subtext. Multiple meanings in a single line of text. Well done, Applebee's. Glad to finally see some intelligence coming from you and your advertising agency.

Carlin vs. Cosby

There are several reasons I avoid reading the local newspaper. First of all it bothers me how poorly written so many of the articles are. But I also can't stand the commentary and opinions they allow to creep into their pages. Case in point, there's a letter in today's edition that is criticizing the paper for the amount of coverage they gave the death of comedian George Carlin. I'm going to quote at length from the letter:

This reader pauses to take issue with your dedicating nearly three quarters of a page of coverage to the death of George Carlin. He spent his self-admitted drug-addled life as a purveyor of the purest filth in our language. His only personal claim to fame is that a Supreme Court free speech ruling was named after him.

Compare Mr. Carlin's career achievements to those of a man who, born in the same year, 1937, also chose comedy as a career. I speak of none other than Bill Cosby.

The writer then goes on to cite Cosby's books, recordings, charitable causes and television show. He compares these to Carlin's drug and alcohol addiction and reliance on "filth" to shock audiences. Then he actually criticizes the newspaper for what it will PROBABLY do when Cosby dies and suggests it will in no way honor him in the way that it memorialized Carlin. Yeah, this guy is a moron.

I see it a bit differently. Carlin broke ground and made us look at things from a different perspective. He challenged people to question authority and institutions, to break free from letting other people tell us what to think and to get off our butts and do something about what is going on in the world. I really don't consider him a comedian in the true sense of the word. Yes he was entertaining and could make us laugh, but not by telling jokes. He make us examine all that is silly and meaningless in life. He made us think.

And despite what the letter-writer says, having a Supreme Court free speech ruling named after you is no small claim to fame! What is this jerk's legacy going to be. A stupid letter written to the local paper?

Now I certainly don't want to demean Bill Cosby. He too broke a lot of ground and has been an important influence on many of today's performers. He is a humanitarian and has created some outstanding educational products and some very entertaining programs. But mostly he made us buy Jell-o.

Regardless, attacking the newspaper because it gave too much space to the memorial of a public figure is moronic. Criticizing it for what it might do one day in response to the death of his more favored public figure borders on insane.

This is why I avoid the local paper.

Megyn Kelly Still Stinking Up Airwaves

There is an article on Digg today that supports my contention that Megyn Kelly is the worst of the worst bimbos on television today posing as "journalists." In a recent episode of her bogus investigative reporting program "Kelly's Court" she brought on two legal analysts to debate whether or not an actor who appears in The Sopranos had a case against a state lottery because he mis-read the number on the ticket. Yes, it's that lame. The thing is, she knew all along what the legalities are and they are clearly defined by each state's lottery commission.

So why was air time given to this pretty much invented new story? Obviously to give all the sorry, sad psycho-sexual chronic masterbaters who fantasise about doing the dirty with Megyn an opportunity to stroke the snake! (You know who you are, you "anonymous" cowards.) This "reporter" has no skills, no brain, not much personality and is on Fox because Fox sucks and she's hot. That's it! (Someone referred to her as a "newsvixen" - perfect!)

Watch Hate by Numbers with Gladstone take a poke at her on Cracked.com here.

Moron Marketers Think We're Morons

I have come across way too many ads lately that are made by morons who think their audience is made up of morons. I think this is probably symptomatic of the fact that marketers today are desperate and clueless. They don't know how to reach people any more. Mass media is no longer a viable medium, and personal media is too hard for them to learn how to use effectively. They're used to just throwing a lot of money at people and hoping enough sticks to keep their product alive. But it's not working any more. So they keep trying to come up with more cutting edge creative, more outrageous claims and messages that won't be completely ignored by huge masses of people.

This is an ad I found for what I think is a company that makes emergency radios. It's really hard to tell from the ad. Red Cross gets much more prominence, but I think that's just because they figure that will get more attention than their no-name name. It's really a mess from a creative and communication standpoint. A total waste of money.

But what really makes this ad stupider than stupid is the sub-headline:

Emergencies struck 82% of Americans last year*

Did you notice the asterisk? If you look down below, in tiny, tiny type there is another asterisk that says, "*based on a survey of 1000 people." What? They are saying that 246,000,000 Americans were struck by an emergency (whatever that means) last year (whatever year that was) because 820 out of 1000 people surveyed said they were? What did they do? Go into a town following a tornado? Find a coastal city hit by a hurricane? Heck, if they talked to people from New Orleans, they could have gotten the statistic up to 100%! What crap!!!

This is so bogus - and really insulting. Anyone who responds to this ad based upon the company's fraudulent manipulation of an obviously flawed statistic should be outraged. Like I said, they are morons and they think their potential customers are morons too. But this ad is so inept anyway, I doubt there are going to be many customers who respond. Scare tactics and spin are not the way to sell products or build a brand. I will not be the least bit sorry when this company (I can't really even tell you their name based upon this crappy ad) when this company disappears.

ESPN and the WCWS

I just watched the women's softball team of Arizona State totally destroy Texas A&M at the Women's College World Series (WCWS) in Oklahoma. Katie Burkhart, the left-handed pitcher for the Sun Devils, was in total command. She only needed one run to get the shutout victory, but her team gave her 11 runs unanswered by the Aggies.

Women's softball is an interesting and unique sport. It's only sort of baseball, but I really enjoy watching it. It's so girlish - I don't know what other word to use. In what other sport do the players hold hands in the dugout and throw kisses to the camera? I also don't know of any sport - except perhaps volleyball - where they have as many team meetings during a game. The coach will call time out in the middle of an inning and have all the baserunners, the batter and the on-deck batter will form a circle to discuss what? - "strategy?" No, I think it's more of a "feel-good" moment where they validate each other as an important person somehow.

I had never heard of Beth Mowins, the announcer for ESPN, but I was very impressed. She's got a classic female sports announcer's voice, conveys great enthusiasm and really seems to know her stuff. She's articulate and intelligent, and does a great job of keeping the flow going. They teamed her with three former NCAA women's softball players, all of whom did a good job of sharing their expertise with the viewers.

The only male on the crew was John Kruk. Wait...what? John Kruk? Where the heck did they drudge him up - and more importantly, why? Even though he played professional baseball for 11 years and did OK (a lifetime .300 average), he certainly has no particular insights into women's softball! He seemed totally out of his element and was more comic relief than color commentator. Particularly sad was a little filler segment in which Michelle Smith, who has two Olympic gold medals and is in the American Softball Association's Hall of Fame, threw him a few fast balls while he just stood in the batter's box and watched them go by. It reminded me of the All Star game several years ago where he faced Randy Johnson and looked like a Little Leaguer popping out of his too-small uniform. I remember him just laughing and waving the bat at the ball. Good bye. K. Sit down. The topper was when Smith tossed him a grapefruit - a real grapefruit - and the crew got a good laugh as Kruk splattered it all over the place. Yep, comic relief.

Anyway, it was an interesting series to watch and well produced. Congratulations to Arizona State for their first national title. They deserve it, and Katie Burkhart should be given the MVP.

Scot McClellan Not Fooling Me

For the past couple of days it's been impossible to watch any television news program without seeing the face of Scott McClellan hawking his new book, What Happened, about the Bush administration. The liberal media seems to be appreciative of yet another insider bashing the establishment, while everyone on the right is vilifying him as the spawn of Satan.

Now, I admit I haven't read the book and I usually take umbrage with people who criticize things like video games, books, television shows and movies without actually having seen them. But I have watched several interviews, including the extended one with Keith Olbermann on his MSNBC Countdown program. At least I've had the opportunity to hear Scott McClellan talk at great length about his work in his own words.

I don't see this as a revealing expose of the liars in the Bush administration. I see it as someone who knows he did wrong and is scared shitless he's going to have to pay for his crimes. It's so transparent, I don't know why I haven't heard this critique elsewhere. The Washington Post even talks about the book as McClellan "looking back on the most painful time of his life." Poor Scotty! Read the article for yourself here.

The first thing the next president of this country MUST do is hold all of the criminals who have run this country for the last eight years accountable for their actions. Each and every one should be prosecuted for treason and the murder of over 4000 brave American soldiers. McClellan is smack dab in the middle of the group with Rumsfeld, Libby, Cheney, Bush, Rice, Rove and all the rest.

The book is his attempt to deflect the blame that is due him. "I didn't want to do it! They made me lie. I asked them if they were telling the truth!" Bull! He knew what was going on and for almost three years was just as much a part of crafting the deceptions that came out of the White House as anyone else in the administration. He knows they are going to have to pay for what they did. He's just hoping this "confession" and its protestations of innocence will get him off the hook.

I don't think a judge or jury will buy it. I hope they don't.

The timing of the book is also much more than a coincidence. If he had waited until the next president takes office - which is what he would have done if he cared about anyone but himself - then it wouldn't have the same impact. America is so eager to move on and put the evils of the past eight years behind us, that we're not going to want to spend a lot of time looking back other than to correct all the screws ups that have been heaped upon us. McClellan's book would be just another in the heap of criticisms of the Bush years and wouldn't get nearly the notice that's coming now. Everyone is going to write a book claiming he or she isn't responsible anyway - especially if McClellan's transparently deceptive ploy works.

Also, by coming out with the book now, when Bush-bashing is reaching its peak, he stands to make more money. His non-stop appearances on every accommodating media outlet is proof to me that profit, much more so than any false attempt to clear his conscience, is at the heart of this sham. McClellan is going to need the money. Not only is it unlikely he will ever get another job as long as he lives, but he's going to need to hire some outstanding lawyers just to keep himself out of jail.

I hope it all fails. I hope he ends up doing hard time with all of the traitors and murderers who have led this country into its sorry economic and political state. McClellan might be fooling all those talk show hosts who want to interview him, but he's not fooling me. McClellan was the leading liar to the American public for three miserable years and his wimpy claims of being deceived by everyone he worked with and for is just sad - and shameless. He deserves to be in a federal prison and I hope he gets to share a cell with his beloved boss.

Incredible Jeopardy Buzz

I'm a huge Jeopardy fan. I guess I'm not alone, but certainly among the people I associate with at work, I am oddly unique. They couldn't care less. So the fact that a soft-spoken graduate student from the University of California at Berkley has got the Jeopardy world buzzing is quite exciting to me!

Her name is Larissa Kelly. She's won four games, has earned over $140,000 and is now the top-winning woman in the history of the show. People are already referring to her as the next Ken Jennings, who won an incredible 74 contests. Yes, she does have a way to go.

Amazingly, both her sister and husband have appeared on the show. Neither won. Ironically her husband, Jeff Hoppes, competed against Jennings during his amazing run of victories.

I missed the show on Friday, so thank goodness there is a vast network of Jeopardy fanatics on the Internet who blog and report about the show. In fact, there is something called the j-archive where they actually log the answers given by each contestant, chart their money and show what the recommended wager should have been based upon the situation. At first I thought this is really going a bit far...people with way too much time on their hands. But I found myself strangely attracted to it and analyzing a few shows. Scary. But thanks to these kinds of obsessive fans, I was able to immediately learn that Kelly won yet again and will be back on Monday. I'll be watching.

On a side note, these shows were taped back in February. I guess they do a good job of keeping the results a secret until the shows actually air. That only makes sense. Still, there are people out there who know how well Kelly ultimately did on the show. Or for that matter that she is sill winning and still taping new shows. Kind of bugs me. Sort of like when you can't watch the Super Bowl or last game of the Word Series and then tape it. You know the world knows the outcome, but you don't.

Anyway, I hope Larissa Kelly does extremely well and is on the show for a long time. She is so much fun to watch with her slight Boston accent, meek, quite voice - and incredible confidence when it comes to daily doubles and final wagers. Good luck!

Quiznos Marketers are Paranoid Morons

The world of advertising continually amazes me with how many morons work in the industry - and how the lawyers dominate everything they do. Case in point - the new campaign from Quiznos in which people eat a five dollar bill. They are trying to make the point (I think) that Quiznos sandwiches are inexpensive and you'd be better off spending the money on something to eat. Kind of obvious, but like I said, they're morons.

The commercials are well done, if the concept is a bit lame. What amazes me is why they feel the compulsion that ALL advertisers feel to put up a cautionary disclaimer, "Dramatization. Do not attempt."

What in the word are they afraid of? That someone out there will watch this commercial and think, "Oh, it's OK to eat money. I think I'll give it a try." And then sue Quiznos for recommending it? Is there any judge in the world that would even allow this case to be heard? Of course, as I write this, I'm realizing that the same mentality of the lawyers that require this super be placed on the spot would result in some of them taking the case and trying to suck a few million dollars out of Quiznos.

It just all seems so stupid to me. Like all of the pharmaceutical ads the ALWAYS include, "See our ad in...." and then whatever magazine they feel is most suitable. Just covering their butts, right? Maybe. But it's the work of morons trying to protect themselves from even stupider morons.

Do not attempt. Gosh, and just when I was really wanting to put a filthy five dollar bill in my mouth!

Six Flag Marketers are Morons - and Racists

The Six Flags theme parks don't have a clue how to market themselves to the American public. Remember the odd, old guy who did the weird dance a few years ago? A lot of people talked about it, but nobody said anything positive. Perhaps the morons in the Six Flags marketing department subscribe to the philosophy that any publicity is good publicity - even if it's horrible. I totally disagree.

Well now they have a series of commercials on the air in which someone does something not very fun (playing with hand puppets, shining a light on the wall to tease your cat, etc.). There is a graphic of six flags called a "fun-o-meter" at the bottom of the screen. Several of them are posted on YouTube. Take a look if you haven't seen them.

Then the disembodied head of an Asian guy appears in a pop-up circle and yells, "One flag!"

Cut to people riding roller coasters at a Six Flags park. After a moment the Asian head appears again and yells, "More flags. More fun. Six Flags!"

Of course he does this is a horrible, stereotypical accent reminiscent of the old Charlie Chan movies in which a white guy in comical makeup talks in broken Engrish. ("Ah so, number one son...")Why would anyone at Six Flags think this is a good way to advertise their parks? How could anyone actually listen to a presentation of this concept and then go so far as to approve it? Did someone from the agency adopt a phony Japanese accent and yell "More flags!"? Did people smile and say, "yeah, I like that...good job!"? And once they saw the finished spot, why wouldn't a single brain cell fire in anyone's head when it was so obvious that this is just horrible, racist crap?

Oh wait, I forgot. The idiots in the marketing department at Six Flags think any publicity is good publicity. Even if people think you are evil and stupid, Even if people roll their eyes when they talk about your rotten commercial. The problem is, people will go to Six Flags in droves this summer. The parks are incredibly popular. The morons at Six Flags will think it has something to do with their marvelously creative and cutting edge advertising campaign. But it won't. Most people won't even see it or ever know about it. And people don't care enough about things like this to actually boycott the park. Go ahead and pat yourselves on the backs, Six Flags marketers. You're clueless anyway, so tell yourselves lies.

Six Flags...More Dumb!

Poor Choice of Words

I don't watch America's Next Top Model. The few clips I've see of the program are painful enough to watch. I can't image what it would be like to try and watch an entire episode - or season. Bored, I was watching the E! television network - and of course, coverage of the season finale of the show was very prominent.

A very attractive girl named Whitney has won! She is 20 years old, from Atlantic Beach, Florida and a big deal has been made about her being the first plus size model to win the competition. (You mean it's been on long enough for there to be other winners?) She's 5' 10" tall and a size 8-10. I understand that past winners are more like a size 2.

As part of her winning, I guess she's going to be on the cover of an upcoming Seventeen Magazine. On E! they interviewed a woman named Ann Shocket, who is apparently well-known in the industry and is a senior editor with the publication. She's sitting in the lobby of the magazine's headquarters and actually says:

Whitney is going to have a HUGE (long pause) career!

Could she have chosen a more inappropriate word? All I could do is chuckle and shake my head.

Why You Must NOT Vote for McCain

I received something very interesting in the mail today. It was addressed to me - not just "occupant" or something impersonal like that. It was from John McCain and the Republican National Committee. Inside the envelope was a letter their Victory 2008 Critical Issues Survey.

The letter was a bit disturbing because it referenced "Republicans like me." I am not now and have never been a Republican. I have never voted for a Republican presidential candidate nor have I ever registered as a Republican. So either the Republican National Committee has some serious database problems - or more likely, they are devious swine who are trying to persuade people precisely through deceptions like these. Once I took a look at the survey, I knew my latter assumption was correct!

First of all, one of the "instructions" on the survey is to enclose your most generous gift to ensure the success of the Victory 2008 Survey Project. Yeah, right!

The survey starts off innocuous enough. It asks some pretty lame, obvious questions about the economy, taxes and the federal deficit. I mean, who doesn't want more jobs, lower taxes, reduced federal spending and the elimination of special interests?

Section II gets scary though. The wording of the questions is so blatantly biased that after I chuckled, I realized the Republican Party is just as corrupt as ever - and truly has no concern for the American people that they profess to want to serve.

For example, here are the questions listed under National Security:

1. Should the first foreign policy priority of the next President be winning the war against radical Islamic extremists?
2. Should America surrender to Iraq regardless of the consequences in the Middle East?
3. Do you agree with Democrats who believe national defense spending should be slashed in order to fund domestic programs?
4. Do you support giving our law enforcement agents the tools they need to monitor terrorist communications?
5. Do you believe we should set a public date for withdrawing from Iraq even if it undermines our troops in the field?

Look at the words used! "The war against radical Islamic extremists" - what "war?" "Surrender to Iraq?" - surrender??? "Undermines our troops?" What blatant propaganda! I have to believe only an ignorant, dumb ass Republican wouldn't see through this for the manipulation it is! Joseph Goebbels would be proud.

The rest of the survey is just as bad and reads like a laundry list of disastrous Bush policies, putting a twisted spin on each one so that it sounds even remotely worthwhile.

Some more examples:

1. Should we appoint judges who will interpret the law instead of liberal activists who will make new laws from the bench? (What the hell?)
2. Do you think we should work to give parent with children trapped in failing schools more choices to help their children have a better future? ("Trapped" in failing schools? Naw, we should just abandon kids to crime, poverty and ignorance.)
3. Do you believe it is critical that our candidates stand behind a hard-charging conservative message of smaller government, lower taxes, new jobs and a strong national defense? (Why not just change the laws and try to re-elect Bush for eight more years?)
4. Are you concerned about the vast sums of campaign funds being stockpiled by the Democrats and their liberal allies? (Give me a break!)

Every Republican should be kicking him- or herself anyway for voting for Bush. If they make the same mistake this time around and vote to maintain the status quo, the kick should turn into self-inflicted waterboarding. This is why it is imperative that McCain not even come close to the White House. Everything that the Republicans have done to destroy this country in the past eight years will just continue. Don't do it! Don't support McCain. Let the Republicans know they had their chance and completely blew it.

And to the Democrats who got elected on a platform of change - get off your asses and do what you promised the American public you were going to do! NOW!

Personally, I hope we see a Gore/Obama ticket this fall. And not a Republican in sight!

Thank the Umps for Not Knowing Rules

The sporting world is all abuzz lately about what happened in a women's college softball game between Western Oregon and Central Washington on April 27th. It's an incredible, touching tale of true sportsmanship.

A rather diminutive senior for Western Oregon, Sara Tucholsky, hit the first home run of her college career with two on in a 0-0 playoff game. In her exuberance somehow she missed touching first base. As she went back to the bag, she managed to completely destroy her knee. The umpires said if she could get back to first base then Western Oregon could let a pinch runner complete the bases, but that Tucholsky would be credited with a two-run RBI single, and not a home run. If anyone from her team touched her, she would be called out.

So two players from Central Washington stepped in and carried Tucholsky around the diamond, helping her touch each base. What a wonderful example of what sports is all about! It puts to shame all the jerk coaches and parent-managers out there to whom there is no reason to play anything other than to win. I can think of several "coaches" for whom I have either played or competed who would have used this opportunity to argue that the runs shouldn't count, the batter should be called out and that they are going to only play the remainder of the game under protest.

The sad part of the story is that the umpires got it wrong. If it weren't for their ignorance, this wonderful story of respect and compassion wouldn't have reached its huge level of popularity. You see, the rule clearly states:

If an injury to a batter-runner or runner prevents her from proceeding to an awarded base, the ball is dead and the substitution can be made. The substitute must legally touch all awarded or missed bases not previously touched.

When she fell to the ground, all Western Oregon had to do it pull a substitute runner from the bench to complete the trip around the bases. Tucholsky would be credited with her home run and this never would have made it to the national media.

I guess I'm glad the umpires didn't know the rules as well as they should. It's such a fantastic moment that I'm sure it will be replayed many more times in years to come. It should. And every coach and team that forgets how wonderful sports can be should look at the photo of Central Washington's two players helping their opponent achieve her magical, memorable moment.

An excellent article about this game can be found on ESPN.com written by Graham Hays.

Marketing Morons at Vitamin Water

There's a new, wonderful example on television right now that supports my position that marketers are by and large total idiots. It's for Vitamin Water, which is a rather strange product in and of itself, but I know it's gaining in popularity. I guarantee the reason is that it's water that has vitamins in it - not this moronic commercial and the "strategy" behind it.

It starts with two guys acting as sports commentators but they are announcing a televised performance by the National Symphony. However, the conductor has been replaced by Curtis Jackson, aka 50 Cent. OK, so the first attempt is to appeal to guys who watch sports - I guess. I don't know why else they start the spot this way.

Then 50 Cent takes a sip of Vitamin Water while some other rapper replaces the first viola. Not quite sure what this is supposed to signify.

Then, as 50 Cent starts conducting the symphony the beat changes to his "hit" In Da Hood. The announcer actually say he "integrates" his song. A black rap artist "integrates" what looks to be a pretty much all-white symphony. How do I even express in words the stupidity of this choice of words?

After some business about a trombone player, the commercial goes to a product shot that does nothing to identify the product, its brand name or logo.

So after first trying to appeal to sports guys, they try to appeal to young, urban black men. Then sophisticated symphony-goers, then....heck, I don't know. By trying to mix styles and appeal to everyone, they end up appealing to no one. It's just a shoddy, ill-conceived mess that makes me cringe every time I see it.

I guarantee the appeal of this product has far more to do with its healthful benefits than with 50 Cent drinking it before he conducts a symphony orchestra. They need to position it for what it is and for why it will click with the American public. Right now, they are clueless and completely wasting their marketing budget.

Fate Takes Us to the Newseum

Something very cool and unexpected happened to my son and me today. We decided to pay a visit to Washington, D.C. It was the first day of the Cherry Blossom Festival and it's always nice to look at pretty, pink flowers, right? (Yeah, right!) What we really wanted to do was ride the Tourmobile around the city and perhaps look at a monument or two. If you luck out you can get a really good tour guide who is both entertaining and educational.

Well, the trip didn't start out too well. We drove to the Vienna Metro station to catch the train, and the parking lot was completely full. There were also at least a dozen cars waiting to grab any spot that might come available, so we decided to keep driving toward the city and try a different station. Fortunately there were lots of spots at the West Falls Church station, so we parked and hopped the train.

We got off at Union Station, and no one could tell us where to buy tickets for the Tourmobile. The guy behind the Information desk suggested we just go outside, look for the tram stop and buy the tickets from the driver. Well, we finally did find the stop - and after 30 minutes - the tram still hadn't arrived. Pretty boring. Then, guess what! They don't take credit cards unless you buy your ticket from one of their ticket booths, which no one could tell me where it is!

We got frustrated and started walking toward the Capitol. My son was miffed and I was frustrated, but it must have been fated to happen because we got really lucky.

As we walked down the hill from the Capitol we found ourselves on Pennsylvania Avenue at the Canadian Embassy. Next door there was a lot of activity at something called the "Newsuem." A gentleman wearing a green windbreaker with this word printed on it approached us and invited us to a pre-opening visit to this new interactive museum devoted to the news media. He promised us we'd have a good time and that we'd come out "with a smile on our face!" How can you say "no" to that?

We went in and were totally wowed! It doesn't open officially until April 11th, so there were a few areas and exhibits that weren't quite ready, but all in all this is an amazing facility. You start with a short movie on the lower level and then take a glass elevator up to the sixth floor and work your way down.

The first thing we saw was an incredible collection of newspaper front pages going back hundreds of years. It's really cool to see the headlines of the major events of world history and we spent a lot of time in this area. The American Revolution - The Civil War - The Titanic - World War I - Rise of the Nazi Party - World War II - Korea - Kennedy Assassinations - Viet Nam - Moon Landing - 9/11 - all there, and much more! As you move down to lower levels you get to experience the birth and growth of broadcast media and how important this became to politics in the middle of the 20th century. There are some excellent exhibits on the First Amendment to the Constitution, and a moving tribute to journalists who have died in the pursuit of stories.

There are also some truly fun things to do at the Newseum. You get to stand before a news camera and read a story from a teleprompter. They give you a still photo of your appearance and you can download the video from their website. There's a 4-D movie theater (3-D glasses and a trip through time), which we did not get to visit, and several interactive displays that allow you to perform a lot of newsroom-type tasks. It's very up-to-day with lots of displays on digital media, blogs and video of news events recorded on cell phones.

Two very interesting exhibits are devoted to the Berlin Wall and the 9/11 attacks. There are several sections of the actual Wall on display as well as some twisted remains of the World Trade Center. One wall is covered with all of the world's newspaper headlines about the attack, and it's hard not to stand there and read each and every one.

The only criticism I have of the facility is its snack bar. For some reason they teamed with Wolfgang Puck so everything is extremely overpriced. Our lunch - which consisted only of a sandwich, a personal pizza, some chips and drinks came to $28! We were so hungry we didn't quibble, but I really think everything available was priced at twice what it should be.

So despite a rather frustrating start, our trip to D.C. turned out to be better than if we had ended up riding the silly Tourmobile! It's nice when things like this happen unexpectedly. I hope the Newseum does well. It's going to have to complete will all the national free museums in the area, but its offering is special and unique. Plus their decision to invite pre-opening visits like ours should work out well. I know I for one will be telling people it's an excellent new place to go.

Dan Abrams is a Doofus

I am regularly appalled by the garbage that networks like Fox, CNN and MSNBC pass off as "news" on their shows. There's a horrible war raging in the Middle East that has resulted in over 4000 dead Americans. We have an extremely important presidential election coming up in a few months. The housing market is crumbling and taking our economy with it. The pharmaceutical companies have taken control of the FDA and are literally killing people in the name of profits.

So what does Dan Abrams do on a recent show? He "exposes" American Idol for letting some contestants onto the show who formerly had recording contracts! OH MY GOD!

The thing is, first of all, Abrams admits he doesn't watch the show and isn't a fan. He can't pronounce the names of the contestants and is totally clueless as to why so many millions of people enjoy the program so thoroughly. So why the hell is he expressing an opinion? He obviously has done no research and is just trying to create controversy where none really exists. In fact, other organizations jumped on this non-story weeks ago with no real consequence. So why is Abrams so far behind everybody else? Could it be that he has absolutely no journalistic skills whatsoever and shouldn't even be on TV? YES!

So he gets two former Idol contestants - who see no problem with letting on contestants who might have at one time recorded professionally - and some dolt who is obviously there to agree to everything Abrams says. Of course Abrams won't let the former contestants finish anything they try to say because he has to inject his outraged ignorance at every opportunity.

Where he really shows his stupidity, though, is when he suggests that if Mariah Carey was currently "between contracts" even she could compete on the program - and how unfair this would be to the other contestants! The thing is, Carey is well known and famous. The producers and judges - who have absolute control over who makes it into the competition - would not permit her to compete. None of the other contestants are famous. None are well knows by the American public. None have sold millions of records, played to sold-out concerts and appeared on dozens of television shows. They aren't rich. They are talented people who are looking for a break. If Abrams can't see the difference, then he's just a moron. And the fact that he is trying so hard to stir up a non-existent controversy, just proves it. But I guess that's what MSNBC is all about, isn't it?

Maybe Abrams is just jealous that on a bad night, American Idol has something like 120 times the audience of any MSNBC show. Heck, MSNBC can't even generate the same audience as most large-market evening news broadcasts! Abrams' attempt at slamming the show is obviously a desperate attempt at "creating" news where there is none, and it only makes him look idiotic. No one who knows the show - and enjoys it - is going to give Dan Abrams any credence whatsoever, so what's the point? Go stalk Britney or Lindsay, Dan, and keep yourself down on their level where you belong.

Tarantino is Dead to Me

I've had really mixed about Quintin Tarantino for a long time. I know there are a lot of critics out there who think he is the Orson Wells of his generation and can do no wrong, but I certainly see tremendous inconsistency in his work. And no small touch of complete insanity!

There's no doubt he's a very odd human being. Whenever I see him on a talk show or being interviewed, it's very obvious there's a totally off-kilter person inside that hyper, bubbly exterior. This comes through in his work as an actor too. If you didn't know who he was, you'd think they had done a very strange job of casting for that particular role. "What's with the weird looking tall dude who acts so geeky?"

Well, when he and Robert Rodriquez teamed up for their Grindhouse double feature last year I had high hopes. Rodriguez is more of an auteur - if anyone still uses that term - than most anyone else working in films today. He writes, direct, shoots - heck he even scores his own films and has a style that is distinct and interesting. Tarantino aspires to be this type of all-around filmmaker, but I don't think he has the requisite talent. He's just weird.

Back to Grindhouse.

When it came out, I just couldn't force myself to shell out the money to go see it. Part of me wanted to take the risk, but I was seriously afraid that I wouldn't be able to endure almost four hours of an attempt at bad filmmaking by people who have access to all of the top technology available in the world today. I know the movie did horrible at the boxoffice, so I felt somewhat relieved that I didn't make a monetary contribution. Then I saw that the videos - now separated into two films - were available "exclusively" at Blockbuster. But you know what, I still had that funny feeling that I was going to shell out three or four bucks and be horribly disappointed. Also, which one should I get and/or watch first? Rose McGowan with a machine-gun leg is pretty intriguing, but would that be enough? I decided not to make a decision and didn't rent either one.

Now Tarantino's film, Death Proof, is playing on one of the cable premium channels. No more excuses. I decided to watch.

What a sorry excuse for a film! There is nothing campy, interesting or redeeming about the entire work. I wonder what was going through the minds of the cast - a pretty decent one at that - when then were shooting these boring, overly talky scenes. I can only assume they deferred to Tarantino's "genius" and figured he knew what he was doing. Of course when he injected himself repeatedly into the bar scenes and over-acted his way to embarrassment - I have to wonder if they weren't starting to wise up by then.

I really want my 90 minutes back. I feel cheated, even though I technically I didn't pay anything to watch it. The two action scenes in the movie are exciting and well done. But the price one has to pay in order to get to them far exceeds their value. Women sitting around drinking, talking tough, chain smoking and cursing is 90% of Death Proof. It's Tarantino hiring a bunch of very nice looking woman and then masturbating in his mind over having sex with them. And we, poor unfortunately sucked-in viewers, have to endure his imaginary camera sex. Or not. I did because I kept wondering where this horrible excuse for art was going to go. Obviously America's movie-goers did not, hence the anemic receipts. Now I see why. Glad I didn't contribute anything to the bottom line.

It's going to be a long, long time before I let Tarantino sucker me in to watching anything he does in the future. Actually, after Grindhouse, I hope he doesn't get the opportunity.